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Letter to new employee start job next month with you at office. * detail about office* details about first day* what to bring to office v.1

Letter to new employee start job next month with you at office. * detail about office* details about first day* what to bring to office v. 1
In today's fast growing world with technology, still society considers the art and music are some of the fundamental elements. In my opinion, they are so important because without them people will lose their culture as well as children will not know their special skills. Art and music are the basic skills of every human, and each one should learn them in their primary age. Firstly, the people will lose the native culture since every person has their own mother language where they express their history by art and music. For instance, the Punjabi, popular language in the north India, has now almost vanished since the next generation children started speaking Hindi. In other words, people will lose their own style if they forget art. Secondly, the children will have lots of inner talent, which can be brought out with the arts. However, technology dominates everything today, the public should still never forget the fundamentals. For this reason, the government in many countries has made arts and music a mandatory class for children. Children should give equal importance on their studies as well as on their extra-activities. On the other hand, some schools make their students to concentrate on studies only which the parents should not encourage. The parents have the rights to question the school, this is how the schools will give a better education. Furthermore, the schools must conduct inter-school contests to encourage the students. The students, who really have good skills must participate on behalf of their school, and so their knowledge will be improved a lot. To conclude, the art and music are fundamental elements of all societies, hence children should spend more time in learning them to stop losing culture and increasing the students' skills.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
growing world with technology,
still
society considers the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
fundamental elements. In my opinion, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
without them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will lose their culture
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will not know their special
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Art and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are the basic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of every human, and each one should learn them in their primary age.
Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will lose the native culture since every person has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
mother language where they express their history by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
For instance
, the Punjabi, popular language in the north India, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
almost vanished since the
next
generation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
speaking Hindi.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will lose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
style if they forget
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have lots of inner talent, which can
be brought
out with the arts.

However
, technology dominates everything
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, the public should
still
never forget the fundamentals.
For this reason
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
a mandatory
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should give equal importance on their studies
as well
as on their extra-activities.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their students to concentrate on studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
which the parents should not encourage. The parents have the rights to question the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, this is how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
will give a better education.

Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
conduct inter-school contests to encourage the students. The students, who
really
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
participate on behalf of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their knowledge will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
a lot.

To conclude
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are fundamental elements of all societies,
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should spend more time in learning them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
losing culture and increasing the students'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Letter to new employee start job next month with you at office. * detail about office* details about first day* what to bring to office v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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