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Leaders and directors in organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Leaders and directors in organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. v. 2
There are common that leader in the company are older people but some point of view that leader should be younger people. In my opinion, older leader better than younger leader however younger people can become a good leader in the near future if they are long-suffering to study from their senior. To begin with, older people can be good leader for some reasons. Firstly, older people have more experience in both leadership and working. Older leader have many years to work and they understand more than anyone else about working process and obstacles in work. Hence, they can resolve problems quickly and direct truly junior. Secondly, older people often have respect from others. This is because they contribute and bring success to the company they work for. There for, they have powerful voice and people can obey them. In opposite, it is difficult that younger people can direct people who are the same generation. In the other hand, the important positions should be given for younger people and they can be a good leader in the near future. In fact, younger people have more creation so they can have newer way to resolve work. Besides, they have good health and they can withstand pressure within large workload. As the time spent working with their senior, they can learn more about experience and leadership so they can success in a day not far. In conclusion, leader positive should given for older people but younger people need to be supported to become a leader in the future.
There are common that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point of view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
however
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
in the near future if they are long-suffering to study from their senior.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more experience in both leadership and working.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
work and
they understand more than anyone else about working process and obstacles in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Hence
, they can resolve problems
quickly
and direct
truly
junior.
Secondly
,
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older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have respect from others. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they contribute and bring success to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for. There for, they have powerful voice and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can obey them. In opposite, it is difficult that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can direct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are the same generation.

In the other hand, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
positions should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people and
they can be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
in the near future.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more creation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can have newer way to resolve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Besides
, they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
health and
they can withstand pressure within large workload. As the time spent working with their senior, they can learn more about experience and leadership
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
The word 'success' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
can success
in a day not far.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
should
Did you mean "have given" or "give"?
given
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to
be supported
to become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
in the future.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Leaders and directors in organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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