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Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. v. 2
Although some argued that positions of authority in a corporation are always occupied by men and women who are advanced in age, others thought that youths would perform better as leaders. However, in my opinion, I disagree that younger people will not have the capacity to lead organizations properly because of these several reasons. The seniors are preferable to the younger people in positions of leadership due to their level of commitment to work. This is because they have built their lives around the company and they are also focused on fighting for the success of the setting. For example, today, the majority of the international organizations in the world have 90% older people in their leadership positions. As a result, the advanced people have been able to formulate policies that steer the company to an enviable height as they have devoted their entire lives towards building a successful entity. Therefore, there is no doubt that having older men in the company affairs will not only be beneficial to the employees but also improve their reputation. Another factor that informed my decision of maintaining older people in leading a firm is their wealth of experience. No matter the policy in a place of work, there will be some old hands who are highly knowledgeable to correct anomalies when things are going wrong. According to New York Times in the 19th century, The Coca-Cola establishment recalled their former managing director so as to deploy his management techniques in salvaging the organization from an impending danger. Although a lot of employees have lost interest in the management of the multinational, the amount of know-how of the old former boss was able to rescue the organization from disaster. In conclusion, however, the commitment, the much valuable knowledge and experience of older people can make an organization to be profitable and successful. Therefore, young and talented persons can also learn under the supervision of the leaders so that they can acquire the experience and the capacity required.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argued that positions of authority in a corporation are always occupied by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women who
are advanced
in age, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that youths would perform better as leaders.
However
, in my opinion, I disagree that younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not have the capacity to lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
properly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of these several reasons.

The seniors are preferable to the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in positions of leadership due to their level of commitment to work. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have built their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
around the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
company and
they are
also
focused on fighting for the success of the setting.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, the majority of the international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
in the world have 90%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their leadership positions.
As a result
, the advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been able to formulate policies that steer the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to an enviable height as they have devoted their entire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
towards building a successful entity.
Therefore
, there is no doubt that having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
affairs will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be beneficial to the employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their reputation.

Another factor that informed my decision of maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in leading a firm is their wealth of experience. No matter the policy in a place of work, there will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
hands who are
highly
knowledgeable to correct anomalies when things are going
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. According to New York Times in the 19th century, The Coca-Cola establishment recalled their former managing director
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
deploy his management techniques in salvaging the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
from an impending
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
employees have lost interest in the management of the multinational, the amount of know-how of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
former boss was able to rescue the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
from disaster.

In conclusion
,
however
, the commitment, the much valuable knowledge and experience of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
to be profitable and successful.
Therefore
, young and talented persons can
also
learn under the supervision of the leaders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can acquire the experience and the capacity required.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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