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Leaders and directors in an organization are frequently older people. Some people think young leaders would be better. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Leaders and directors in an organization are frequently older people. Some people think young leaders would be better. v. 1
Globalization has changed the world perspective in many different aspects of life. Despite of that, the ones who hold the highest position in major companies or even governing the country always an older person. Some refute to that concept and thinks it is time to change it. Nevertheless, I disagree with that notion and in this essay I will explain why. First of all, a person with vast experience and in-depth knowledge is one of the most crucial criteria in every leader in every organization. Therefore, this criterion fits to an elderly person well compared to a young adult. Middle-aged people usually have had handled difficult and pain stacking challenges and could easily come up with a fair solution for everyone at the same time. For this reason, the committee members prefer someone who knew the management well compared to someone who is inexperienced. For example, a youth who are not well versed with the situation may provide a solution that only leads to more problems. Besides that, an older person has had a higher sense of responsibility as compared to the younger one. They able to understand the needs of every people of vary age and sizes and does not make hasty decision. On the other hand, the younger leaders may not understand the concern of some part of the society and lead to tense frictions between themselves as they do not think through the consequence of making irresponsible decision. Therefore, for instances, Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohammad has been elected as the Prime Minister of Malaysia as the citizen trusted him to bring back the glory that Malaysia once had, even though, he is nonagenarian. In conclusion, I strongly stated that it is better for elderly to hold a director position with the collaboration and support of the new generation as it would definitely flourish the nation further.
Globalization has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the world perspective in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects of life.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
that, the ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
hold the highest position in major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
or even governing the country always an older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
refute to that concept and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
it is time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
it.
Nevertheless
, I disagree with that notion and in this essay I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
with vast experience and in-depth knowledge is one of the most crucial criteria in every leader in every organization.
Therefore
, this criterion fits to an elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
well compared to a young adult. Middle-aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
usually
have had handled difficult and pain stacking challenges and could
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
solution for everyone at the same time.
For this reason
, the committee members prefer someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
knew the management well compared to someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is inexperienced
.
For example
, a youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not well versed with the situation may provide a solution that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
leads to more problems.

Besides
that, an older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
has had a higher sense of responsibility as compared to the younger one.
Did you mean "They are" or "They were"?
They
able to understand the needs of every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of vary age and sizes and does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
hasty decision.
On the other hand
, the younger leaders may not understand the concern of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
part of the society and lead to tense frictions between themselves as they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
through the consequence of making irresponsible decision.
Therefore
, for instances, Tun Dr.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mahathir
Mohammad has
been elected
as the Prime Minister of Malaysia as the citizen trusted him to bring back the glory that Malaysia once had,
even though
, he is nonagenarian.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
stated that it is better for elderly to hold a director position with the collaboration and support of the new generation as it would definitely flourish the nation
further
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Leaders and directors in an organization are frequently older people. Some people think young leaders would be better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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