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It is shown that meetings, training and discussions now happen online. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages? v.1

It is shown that meetings, training and discussions now happen online. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages? v. 1
In many countries, there are some strict employment rule related to minimum age requirement in order to start a job. Few countries mandate teenagers to not leave the school or college until one attains 16 years of age; it is a pre-requisite for many of the organizations too. In my opinion, it is good to have such law in place as it will allow youth to start a career when they will have specialized skills which eventually will help them to grow as a better professional in the future. Firstly, it is not possible to start a career in some of the fields without any formal education like medicine, aviation etc. such vocations require expert guidance and rigorous training with adequate monitoring. Hence it becomes crucial for children to complete school and pursue education further. Secondly, not having an age limit will increase child labour which is considered as an evil to any society because children are often subject to exploitation and ill treatment by their employer. Finally, having specialized education, enhance the collective human resources of a nation. This in turn leads to specialized experts who can give direction to the masses and uplift the society. On the other hand, teenagers working as part time employees can be benefited from the exposure, they get during those on job hours. To illustrate, some employers consider experience as an added advantage, so exposure of similar work will put them ahead of people who do not have any prior work experience. Additionally, if a child starts working at an early age, he will understand the worth of money and will have good money management skills. To conclude, it is extremely important to have school as well as professional education to become successful in life and putting this law in place makes people abide by this. Having experience is good, but it can never overrule the school education.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
strict employment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
related to minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
requirement in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
a job. Few countries mandate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
or college until one attains 16 years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
; it is a
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-requisite
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the organizations too. In my opinion, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to have such law in place as it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
youth to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
a career when they will have specialized
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which
eventually
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to grow as a better professional in the future.

Firstly
, it is not possible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
a career in
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
fields without any formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
like medicine, aviation etc. such vocations require expert guidance and rigorous training with adequate monitoring.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
it becomes crucial for children to complete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and pursue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
further
.
Secondly
, not having an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
limit will increase child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
which
is considered
as an evil to any society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
children are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
subject to exploitation and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
ill treatment
by their employer.
Finally
, having specialized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, enhance the collective human resources of a nation. This in turn leads to specialized experts who can give direction to the masses and uplift the society.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
working as
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
employees can
be benefited
from the exposure, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
during those on job hours. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
employers consider experience as an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
advantage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
exposure of similar work will put them ahead of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who do not have any prior work experience.
Additionally
, if a child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
starts
working at an early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, he will understand the worth of money and will have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
money management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

To conclude
, it is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as well
as professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to become successful in life and putting this law in place
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
abide by this. Having experience is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can never overrule the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay It is shown that meetings, training and discussions now happen online. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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