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It is said that the amount of violence on the TV programs has negative effect on our social development and therefore should be reduced. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.2

It is said that the amount of violence on the TV programs has negative effect on our social development and therefore should be reduced. with this opinion? v. 2
It is argued by some individuals that level of violence on the television screens has downside impacts on our public growth and as a result, it should be minimized. I agree with the notion because the videos provide opportunity to learn criminal activity and increases panic level in children. To begin with, violent crime scene presented in films shows adverse effect on adolescents; therefore, such things must be controlled while representing on public channels. Ferocious acts from television can create a fear and panic among youngsters and curb them to leave their home, which directly makes them less social. For instance, news of increase in rapes and killings during night can restrict people from moving out of home and especially girls, where rapes incidence of females are high. As a result, children are persuaded to stay out of social network as much as possible. Similarly, violent story presented on television increases wrongdoing level in community by giving different ideas to criminal minded people. Watching more crime episodes make them believe that such offence are possible in today world and create terror like situation in society by performing violent activities. A recent survey by national human rights commission has revealed that most of the crimes are from learnt behaviour, some from television movies and some from detective episodes. Therefore, state should restrict the violence on television screen to limited level by making people caution about the risk associated. To conclude, I strongly agree and believe that ferocious scenes from home screen are raising crime levels and creating fear like situation in young children mind and preventing them from socializing, thus state must eliminate this problem by limiting violence on television.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of violence on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
screens has downside impacts on our public growth and
as a result
, it should
be minimized
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the videos provide opportunity to learn criminal activity and increases panic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
in children.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
scene presented in films
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
adverse effect on adolescents;
therefore
, such things
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be controlled
while representing on public channels. Ferocious acts from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can create a fear and panic among youngsters and curb them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their home, which
directly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them less social.
For instance
, news of increase in rapes and killings during night can restrict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from moving out of home and
especially
girls, where rapes incidence of females
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "is"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'are' is not always incorrect.)
are
high.
As a result
, children
are persuaded
to stay out of social network as much as possible.

Similarly
, violent story presented on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
increases wrongdoing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
in community by giving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to criminal minded
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Watching more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
episodes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them believe that such
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
are possible in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
world and create terror like situation in society by performing violent activities. A recent survey by national human rights commission has revealed that most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are from
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
movies and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
from detective episodes.
Therefore
, state should restrict the violence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
screen to limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
by making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
caution about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
associated.

To conclude
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
and believe that ferocious scenes from home screen are raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
and creating fear like situation in young children mind and preventing them from socializing,
thus
state
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
eliminate this problem by limiting violence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay It is said that the amount of violence on the TV programs has negative effect on our social development and therefore should be reduced. with this opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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