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It is said that the amount of violence on the TV programs has negative effect on our social development and therefore should be reduced. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.1

It is said that the amount of violence on the TV programs has negative effect on our social development and therefore should be reduced. with this opinion? v. 1
In the modern world, academic education is essential for every individual to achieve life goals and dreams. However, enrolled in the university for poor people is no longer affordable due to extreme competition among modern learners. But I believe money can buy an education, so I will not fully agree with this statement. Firstly, many universities around the world that provide quality tuition nowadays. Therefore, numerous students travel to complete their studies by finding their desired campus. In other word, student those who have money able to do their studies without hesitation while the poor struggle with their financial issues. Furthermore, Lack of resources is another issue some of the individuals who suffer from a difficult lifestyle. For example, a typical student's needs are higher than ordinary people who need equipment like study materials, laptops, books, food, and accommodation. Secondly, In the modern world, there are many private universities, which provide private tuition. Even the teenager who not at university-level, with money they can conduct their studies enrolling with the campus. But some poor students unable to complete their college studies properly as a result of that they miss university. For example, without a quality lifestyle, some children will not able to complete their primary learning even they are extremely intelligent. And those who have to join the workforce early due to family issues, consequently, they miss their studying. Finally, from my point of view, I would argue that with a financial background, there is always an open path to campus, under any circumstances. All things considered, it is difficult for students with poverty to attend any kind of schooling due to various problems. However, history shows us many famous politicians and scientists came from poverty.
In the modern world, academic education is essential for every individual to achieve life goals and dreams.
However
, enrolled in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
for poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
no longer affordable due to extreme competition among modern learners.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I believe money can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
an education,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I will not
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
around the world that provide quality tuition nowadays.
Therefore
, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
travel to complete their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
by finding their desired campus. In other word,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have money able to do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
without hesitation while the poor struggle with their financial issues.
Furthermore
, Lack of resources is another issue
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
suffer from a difficult lifestyle.
For example
, a typical student's needs are higher than ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
need equipment like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
materials, laptops, books, food, and accommodation.

Secondly
, In the modern world, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, which provide private tuition. Even the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
not at university-level, with money they can conduct their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
enrolling with the campus.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
unable to complete their college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
properly
as a result
of that they miss
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
For example
, without a quality lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children will not able to complete their primary learning even they are
extremely
intelligent. And those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the workforce early due to family issues,
consequently
, they miss their studying.

Finally
, from my point of view, I would argue that with a financial background, there is always an open path to campus, under any circumstances. All things considered, it is difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with poverty to attend any kind of schooling due to various problems.
However
, history
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
politicians and scientists came from poverty.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay It is said that the amount of violence on the TV programs has negative effect on our social development and therefore should be reduced. with this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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