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In some countries, it can be difficult for people over the age of 50 to get good jobs, despite their experience. What do you think are the causes of this problem, and what measures could be taken to solve it? v.1

In some countries, it can be difficult for people over the age of 50 to get good jobs, despite their experience. What do you think are the causes of this problem, and what measures could be taken to solve it? v. 1
Young people are often considered over the old ones by most organisations. The percentage of people losing their jobs due to their age as they advance beyond 50 is alarmingly more in some countries. Such problems are a matter of great concern and must be addressed for a better economic state of a nation. It is first essential to examine the reasons leading to this problem. To begin with, the major factor promoting such paradigm is non-reform labour laws.  In some countries, there is no mention of the maximum number of working hours in the laws one company can make its employee work. Not just this if such laws exist then they are not fully enforced. In such instances, most companies expect its worker to work more than 10 hours a day which they feel is difficult for an old to person to put in a day. Further, an old person would have to be paid more than a young amateur person for having greater experience when the job can be managed with persons with less knowledge.  In addition, old people are believed to be less flexible and physically active than the young generation and hence often refuse for a job. Thus, it very important for a country to take measures to solve this issue for the welfare of the citizens. Firstly, a reform law should be passed that allow a company to take work for fixed hours from its employees. Secondly, steps should be taken to check if the law is correctly followed by its citizens. Thirdly, some fitness promoting initiatives should be taken so that old people are fit to do any job the like. Finally, companies should be barred from refusing anybody on the ground of the age. To conclude, people above 50 years of age are less favoured for a job owing to numerous reasons. It is essential for a country, to take strict measures to tackle such issues, in order to grow and take good care of its citizens.
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
ones by most
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
. The percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
losing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
due to their age as they advance beyond 50 is
alarmingly
more in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. Such problems are a matter of great concern and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be addressed
for a better economic state of a nation.

It is
first
essential to examine the reasons leading to this problem. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the major factor promoting such paradigm is non-reform
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
.  In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, there is no mention of the maximum number of working hours in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
its employee work. Not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
this if such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
exist then they are not
fully
enforced. In such instances, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
its worker to work more than 10 hours a day which they feel is difficult for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to put in a day.
Further
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be paid
more than a young amateur
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
for having greater experience when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can
be managed
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
with less knowledge.  
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are believed
to be less flexible and
physically
active than the young generation and
hence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
refuse for a job.

Thus
,
It seems that a verb is missing.
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to take measures to solve this issue for the welfare of the citizens.
Firstly
, a reform
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law
should
be passed
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to take work for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
hours from its employees.
Secondly
, steps should
be taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
is
correctly
followed by its citizens.
Thirdly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fitness promoting initiatives should
be taken
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are fit
to do any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
the like.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should
be barred
from refusing anybody on the ground of the age.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
above 50 years of age are less
Possible spelling mistake. 'favoured' is British English.
favoured
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
owing to numerous reasons. It is essential for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, to take strict measures to tackle such issues, in order to grow and take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
care of its citizens.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, it can be difficult for people over the age of 50 to get good jobs, despite their experience. What do you think are the causes of this problem, and what measures could be taken to solve it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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