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It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. v. 1
There's a school of thought supporting the expenditure of tax funds towards promoting healthy lifestyle practices and disease prevention over spending exorbitantly on treatment of the sick. While in theory this might sound good, it's practical applications are far from ideal. I disagree with the above statement and this essay will discuss my views regarding the same. Firstly, disease prevention is a step in the right direction when it comes to promoting health for all. In today's era, where fast food is cheaper than its healthier alternative and where the preference is to order food from restaurants over cooking at home, awareness needs to be created over how detrimental this choice is. Secondly, creating emphasis on building immunity and living healthy also reduces the load on hospitals to care for them, thus in turn saving further government expenses. For instance, advertisements can be directed at the general population urging them to adopt regular exercise and choose food that provides energy over fried food. Meanwhile, cutting down the funding for treatment of the sick puts all effort spent on promoting healthy living to waste. Ill patients with insufficient treatment will spread disease regardless of any practice that one adopts to stay healthy. Hence primary focus needs to be put on curing any source of illness and controlling the outcome. In today's times of superbugs and antibiotic-resistant bacteria, sole maintenance of one's health doesn't get the job done. Apt treatment and isolation of the sick needs to be focused upon, which requires proper facilities and public funding to build and maintain them. To conclude, focusing the expenditure on promoting healthy practices rather than spending on treating the ill is not the best way to ensure health of a community. Treatment of the ill requires more attention and funding in comparison.
There's a school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
supporting the expenditure of tax funds towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle practices and disease prevention
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
spending
exorbitantly
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
of the sick. While in theory this might sound
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
Did you mean "its practical applications"?
it's practical applications
are far from ideal. I disagree with the above statement and this essay will discuss my views regarding the same.

Firstly
, disease prevention is a step in the right direction when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
promoting
health for all. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's era, where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food is cheaper than its healthier alternative and where the preference is to order food from restaurants
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
cooking at home, awareness needs to
be created
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
how detrimental this choice is.
Secondly
, creating emphasis on building immunity and living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the load on hospitals to care for them,
thus
in turn saving
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
expenses.
For instance
, advertisements can
be directed
at the general population urging them to adopt regular exercise and choose food that provides energy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
fried food.

Meanwhile, cutting down the funding for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
of the sick puts all effort spent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
living to waste. Ill patients with insufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
will spread disease regardless of any practice that one adopts to stay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
primary focus needs to
be put
on curing any source of illness and controlling the outcome. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's times of
Possible spelling mistake found.
superbugs
and antibiotic-resistant bacteria, sole maintenance of one's health doesn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the job done. Apt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
and isolation of the sick needs to
be focused
upon, which requires proper facilities and public funding to build and maintain them.

To conclude
, focusing the expenditure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
practices
rather
than spending on treating the ill is not the best way to ensure health of a community.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Treatment
of the ill requires more attention and funding
in comparison
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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