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It is more important for the government to spend money on improving internet access than on public transportation. v.1

It is more important for the government to spend money on improving internet access than on public transportation. v. 1
It is often considered that television has a powerful impact on the young generation. Some people argue that their children can learn a lot of things efficiently from television. Thus, they believe, encouraging children to watch television on a daily basis, both at school and home is a good idea. I strongly agree with this point of view, as I believe that this kind of media can help a child to a great extent. Firstly, in today’s competitive world television can dramatically enhance the intellectual level of a child. Being an auditory and visual media, television can easily attract children and fine-tune (sharpen) their concentration which in turn helps them grow academically. For instance, children that have hyperactivity disorders with a low concentration span, can learn concepts in an interactive ways if they see and hear things at the same time. Therefore, television can be an effective teaching tool if used productively. Secondly, television can reduce the effort of a real teacher in making the students understand ideas in a creative way. Educational audios and videos take the role of a mentor very effectively in most of the cases. It is considered to be much more economical and an easier way to teach students, if the overall student population is higher in an institution. For example, a student learning about botany might find a science documentary more interesting than reading from a text book. However, moderation of television time for young children is key to avoid any long term harmful effects. Moreover overuse can lead to a variety of health issues such as vision impairments. To conclude, television helps to enhance children’s knowledge and drastically reduce the workload of teachers in an academic setting. I share the opinion that children should be encouraged to watch television productively.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has a powerful impact on the young generation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things
efficiently
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
Thus
, they believe, encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
on a daily basis, both at school and home is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view, as I believe that this kind of media can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
a child to a great extent.

Firstly
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s competitive world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can
dramatically
enhance the intellectual level of a child. Being an auditory and visual media,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can
easily
attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and fine-tune (sharpen) their concentration which in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them grow
academically
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that have hyperactivity disorders with a low concentration span, can learn concepts in an interactive
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "way"?
ways
if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and hear things at the same time.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can be an effective teaching tool if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
productively
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the effort of a real teacher in making the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
understand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
Consider replacing "in a creative way" with the adverb for "creative"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a creative way
. Educational audios and videos take the role of a mentor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
effectively
in most of the cases. It
is considered
to be much more economical and an easier way to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, if the
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
population is higher in an institution.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
learning about botany might find a science documentary more interesting than reading from a text book.

However
, moderation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
time for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is key to avoid any long term harmful effects.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
overuse can lead to a variety of health issues such as vision impairments.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to enhance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
knowledge and
drastically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the workload of teachers in an academic setting. I share the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
productively
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important for the government to spend money on improving internet access than on public transportation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
297 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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