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whether or not governments must take improving internet access more weighty than improving public transportation v.1

whether or not governments must take improving internet access more weighty than improving public transportation v. 1
It is true that the government should pay closer attention to environmental pollution and housing problems in order to prevent people from medical issues. From my personal angle alone, I believe tackling pollution and housing problems are indeed able to improve citizens’ health, yet other measures are also required to cope with people’s illness in the short term. First of all, one of the reasons to reduce pollution is that it has a direct impact on people’s health in many circumstances. For instance, air pollution may severely pose a threat to inhabitants’ life since they are prone to respiratory illness and other chronic diseases, for taking heavy smog in Beijing as an example. In addition, Poor air quality may also give rise to an outbreak of airborne diseases, such as summer flu more likely to occur, widespread and infect a large number of city dwellers, especially for those living in densely populated cities where without a good ventilation. Secondly, it is obvious that housing problems can influence city dwellers, predominately disadvantaged ones in particular, in aspects of physical and emotional. Those who are from deprived backgrounds are hardly able to afford decent places, and usually live in slums enduring terrible living conditions. Where sewage and waste are not managed effectively, is a perfect habitat for bacteria’s growth, where mice and cockroaches build their communities, provides the media for bacteria to spread, and where people are stressed and live under pressure in most of the time. However, if the authorities give priority to solve problems of environmental pollution and housing issues for the sake of public health, this probably will not have an immediate payoff as these are strategies in the long-run solutions. By contrast, investments in medical facilities and boosts to health care services can better provide instant treatments for patients, thereby alleviating their sicknesses and curing them sooner the better. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that profound changes in the environment and accommodations can truly prevent people from illness and diseases, but there is in no case should the government neglect the importance of health care services on residents’ well being.
It is true that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should pay closer attention to environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
and housing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from medical issues. From my personal angle alone, I believe tackling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
and housing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are
indeed
able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
citizens’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
yet
other measures are
also
required to cope with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
illness in the short term.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, one of the reasons to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
is that it has a direct impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
circumstances.
For instance
, air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
may
severely
pose a threat to inhabitants’ life since they are prone to respiratory illness and other chronic diseases, for taking heavy smog in Beijing as an example.
In addition
, Poor air quality may
also
give rise to an outbreak of airborne diseases, such as summer flu more likely to occur, widespread and infect
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
city dwellers,
especially
for those living in
densely
populated cities where without a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
ventilation.

Secondly
, it is obvious that housing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
can influence city dwellers,
predominately
disadvantaged ones
in particular
, in aspects of physical and emotional. Those who are from deprived backgrounds are hardly able to afford decent places, and
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in slums enduring terrible living conditions. Where sewage and waste are not managed
effectively
, is a perfect habitat for bacteria’s growth, where mice and cockroaches build their communities, provides the media for bacteria to spread, and where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
under pressure in most of the time.

However
, if the authorities give priority to solve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
and housing issues for the sake of public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, this
probably
will not have an immediate payoff as these are strategies in the long-run solutions. By contrast, investments in medical facilities and boosts to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care services can better provide instant treatments for patients, thereby alleviating their sicknesses and curing them sooner the better.

In conclusion
, I am of the opinion that profound
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the environment and accommodations can
truly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from illness and diseases,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is in no case should the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
neglect the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care services on residents’
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay whether or not governments must take improving internet access more weighty than improving public transportation v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
354 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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