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It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v.1

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 1
There is a trending argument that whether or not national history is far significant in relation to world history. In my opinion, none of these should be dominant by the other and both subjects should be well enhanced in youngster’s curriculum. Studying the history of one’s own country is surely an essential aspect of their educational education. Whilst seems tedious and often theoretical-based, having throughout insight into what happened in the past plays an indispensable role in forming a child’s patriotism. For example, knowing how heroic one’s ancestors fought against intruders will build students’ admiration towards them as well as their country and culture. Children will treasure their own origin and will take pride in protecting it. Thus, nationalism is not just a privilege; it is each’s responsibility to perceive and preserve their hometown’s tradition and identity. On the other hand, studying no more than local history and ignoring other history events around the world is inadequate for learners as all of them are impacted by each others and each case teaches students different aspects of the world. Take Vietnam’s August Revolution (Cách Mạng Tháng 8 in Vietnamese) for example, only with the declaration of ending the war that Vietnam has the chance to turn the table and in the war. Other events such as The Great Depression or Women Suffrage in the US are underlying economic and political lessons respectively. And so, international history should not be neglected from schools’ educational program. In conclusion, while domestic history gives children identity pride, world history completes it and offer further knowledge in other topics. Therefore, I believe the significance of them both cannot be brought into comparison to see which one is more necessary because they have distinctively equal meanings to children.
There is a trending argument that
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is far significant in relation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. In my opinion, none of these should be dominant by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and both subjects should be well enhanced in youngster’s curriculum.

Studying the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country is
surely
an essential aspect of their educational education. Whilst seems tedious and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
theoretical-based, having throughout insight into what happened in the past plays an indispensable role in forming a child’s patriotism.
For example
, knowing how heroic one’s ancestors fought against intruders will build students’ admiration towards them
as well
as their country and culture. Children will treasure their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
origin and will take pride in protecting it.
Thus
, nationalism is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a privilege; it is each’s responsibility to perceive and preserve their hometown’s tradition and identity.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, studying no more than local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
and ignoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is inadequate for learners as all of them
are impacted
by each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "other"?
others
and each case teaches students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. Take Vietnam’s August Revolution (
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cách
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mạng
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tháng
8 in Vietnamese)
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with the declaration of ending the war that Vietnam has the chance to turn the table and in the war.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as The Great Depression or Women Suffrage in the US are underlying economic and political lessons
respectively
. And
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
should not
be neglected
from schools’ educational program.

In conclusion
, while domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
gives children identity pride,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
completes it and offer
further
knowledge in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
topics.
Therefore
, I believe the significance of them both cannot
be brought
into comparison to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
which one is more necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
distinctively
equal meanings to children.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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