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It is more important for school children to learn about localhistory than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

It is more important for school children to learn about localhistory than world history. v. 1
Mobile phones are starting to take a central point of people life in the last few years. This gadget is requirements for every day routine like waking up us in the morning through the alarm. Mobile phones play a crucial part in communication between people no matter where they are hence, Some parents think it as an essential device to stay in touch with their kids. However, others believe that, this type of electric devices makes children more lazy and socially extra active. Firstly, mobile is the vital during the emergency situations like accident, floods. In other words, whenever parents find that there is situation like heavy rainfall they can connect with their kids through the phone and find out that they are safe or not. Parents find it extremely useful when their children have the phones in an emergency situation, it gives them the calmness and fearlessness. Secondly, mobile phones can act as an educational the device, for instance, kids can watch videos related the chapters which they find difficult. Watching educational videos can give the extra clarity on the complicated subjects like mathematics and science. On the other hand, frequent use of mobile can divert the attention from studies to the social media and mobile games. Excess use of social media can make the kids restless in the competition of getting desire likes also, it can provoke them to do some illegal activities if they are in contact with the harmful people. Mobiles also have some negative effects on health of kids such as, lower eye vision, laziness in the morning, poor body muscles due to the lack of concentration on meal. According to the survey took by the World Health Organization in 2018, 45% children are having excess stress level due to the mobile devices than the normal level, hence, it is affecting their overall growth. To sum up, in my view, it is important for parents to find out that their children really need then mobile everywhere they go. Schools offer proper security for kids therefore, mobiles are not required over there. However, parents can allow kids to play games or watch fairy tales on the phone for some time to relax their mind but, there should be the strict time limit. Mobile is the essential entity, but it's not the necessity all the time.
Mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are starting to take a central point of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
life in the last few years. This gadget is requirements
Did you mean "for everyday"?
for every day
routine like waking up us in the morning through the alarm. Mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
play a crucial part in communication between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
no matter where they are
hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it as an essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
to stay in touch with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
However
, others believe that, this type of electric
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more lazy and
socially
extra active.

Firstly
, mobile is the vital during the emergency situations like accident, floods.
In other words
, whenever
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
that there is situation like heavy rainfall they can connect with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
out that they are safe or not.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
it
extremely
useful when their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
in an emergency situation, it gives them the calmness and fearlessness.
Secondly
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can act as an educational the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
,
for instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
videos related the chapters which they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
difficult. Watching educational videos can give the extra clarity on the complicated subjects like mathematics and science.

On the other hand
, frequent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile can divert the attention from studies to the social media and mobile games. Excess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of social media can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
restless in the competition of getting desire likes
also
, it can provoke them to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
illegal activities if they are in contact with the harmful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Mobiles
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
such as, lower eye vision, laziness in the morning, poor body muscles due to the lack of concentration on meal. According to the survey took by the World Health Organization in 2018, 45%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are having excess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level due to the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
than the normal level,
hence
, it is affecting their
overall
growth.

To sum up, in my view, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
out that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
really
need then mobile everywhere they go. Schools offer proper security for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
therefore
, mobiles are not required over there.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to play games or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
fairy tales on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to relax their mind
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, there should be the strict time limit. Mobile is the essential entity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's not the necessity all the time.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important for school children to learn about localhistory than world history. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
389 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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