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It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about localhistory than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about localhistory than world history. v. 2
It is true that some commentators argue that it is more important for children to study the history of their own country or region, rather than the history of the world. I disagree with this view, because I believe that schools should teach local, national and world history. On the one hand, it is significant that schoolchildren should learn about their local history. Firstly, knowing about the past of their region or country will foster a sense of belonging and pride in each child. For example, by studying how earlier generations fought and made sacrifices for the freedom of the country, Vietnamese youngsters will appreciate more the value of the way of life and liberty that they enjoy today. Secondly, young children also learn about the origins and core values of their motherland through history lessons. As a result, they will gain a deeper understanding of each traditional event, and be motivated to carry on the best customs for generations to come. On the other hand, the value of studying world history must not be underestimated. The modern trend towards globalization makes it all the more necessary for schoolchildren to have some knowledge of people from other ethnic groups and different traditions. Armed with this broader perspective, it will be easier for them to form a mutual understanding if they know about the origins and past development of other people across the world. Another important factor is that a study of world history provides youngsters with an overview of the interrelationship of nations and how international historical events, such as the end of colonialism, have shaped contemporary society. In conclusion, I would argue that it is equally important for schoolboys and schoolgirls to study local history as well as world history
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
commentators argue that it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for children to study the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country or region,
rather
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. I disagree with this view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I believe that schools should teach local,

national and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
history.

On the one hand, it is significant that schoolchildren should learn about their local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
Firstly
, knowing about the past of their region or country will foster a sense of belonging and pride in each child.
For example
, by studying how earlier generations fought and made sacrifices for the freedom of the country, Vietnamese youngsters will appreciate more the value of the way of life and liberty that they enjoy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Secondly
, young children
also
learn about the origins and core values of their motherland through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
lessons.
As a result
, they will gain a deeper understanding of each traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, and
be motivated
to carry on the best customs for generations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
.

On the other hand
, the value of studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be underestimated
. The modern trend towards globalization
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it all the more necessary for schoolchildren to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
knowledge of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from other ethnic groups and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
traditions. Armed with this broader perspective, it will be easier for them to form a mutual understanding if they know about the origins and past development of other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
across the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor is that a study of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
provides youngsters with an overview of the interrelationship of nations and how international historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, such as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of colonialism, have shaped contemporary society.

In conclusion
, I would argue that it is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for schoolboys and schoolgirls to study local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about localhistory than world history. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
290 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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