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It is important to give children the chance to act independently and make their own decisions from early age. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this idea? v.2

It is important to give children the chance to act independently and make their own decisions from early age. with this idea? v. 2
A number of children desire to live independently these days. Some people think that it is significant that children are given the opportunity to act independently and they can make their own decisions from an early age. I completely disagree with this idea, and I believe that parents guide their children. First of all, there are some reasons as to why children should not act freely in daily life. One of the main reasons is that children do not have a greater knowledge of modern life and they should gain experience by observing parents and others’ lives. For instance, some children tend to start smoking cigarettes, which is harmful to their health and lead to severe diseases from an early age. If children realize that smoking is addictive and not beneficial for them by observing the problems which others suffer. Moreover, excessive playing video games has become a common trend among children in the recent years, and this trend impacts their mental health in a negative way, which result in game addiction, stress, anxiety, and depression. Therefore, children should not be given a large space of freedom. Secondly, children who lack parental supervision tend to more likely to become obese. The reason is that children prefer more consuming junk food rather than home cooked food. As a result of that, they suffer from obesity from an early age. For example, health experts suggest that TV is a major culprit in childhood obesity. A number of children who move independently tend to watch TV for hours, and children, who watch TV a lot, attend less physical activities. The lack of physical exercise in children plays a major role in developing obesity. Thus, parental supervision is entirely important for children rather than their independence. In conclusion, it is not important that children live as they wish. I fully disagree with the idea that children should not be dependent on their parents, whereas they should make their own decision. The reason is that If parents allow them to act independently and make their own decisions, children suffer from health problems caused by smoking and video games as well as obesity, which is a concerning problem among children.
A number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independently
these days.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is significant that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to act
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
independently and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions from an early age. I completely disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, and I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
guide their children.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
as to why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not act
freely
in daily life. One of the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not have a greater knowledge of modern
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they should gain experience by observing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
smoking cigarettes, which is harmful to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and lead to severe diseases from an early age. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
realize that smoking is addictive and not beneficial for them by observing the problems which others suffer.
Moreover
, excessive playing video games has become a common trend among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the recent years, and this trend impacts their mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way, which result in game addiction,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, anxiety, and depression.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a large space of freedom.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who lack parental supervision tend to more likely to become obese.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
prefer more consuming junk food
rather
than home cooked food.
As a result
of that, they suffer from obesity from an early age.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
experts suggest that TV is a major culprit in childhood obesity. A number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independently
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV for hours, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV a lot, attend less physical activities. The lack of physical exercise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
plays a major role in developing obesity.
Thus
, parental supervision is
entirely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rather
than their independence.

In conclusion
, it is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
as they wish. I
fully
disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be dependent on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, whereas they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decision. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to act
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independently
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffer from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems caused by smoking and video games
as well
as obesity, which is a concerning problem among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay It is important to give children the chance to act independently and make their own decisions from early age. with this idea? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
364 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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