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It is important for governments to spend money to improve internet access rather than public transportation v.1

It is important for governments to spend money to improve internet access rather than public transportation v. 1
A society of people believes that promotions should be given to employees who worked in a company for a long time. Whereas the other proportion of people tends to differ from this approach. In my opinion, I agree with the latter school of thought. The principal rationale behind the latter point of view is that workers who switch companies will have wide exposure about the industry and I agree with the same. In other words, in order to move from one company to another, that candidate should have good technical knowledge to crack an interview, which makes them sagacious than those who remain in the same company for a longer period. For instance, recent research conducted by the World Employee Council demonstrated that eighty percent of workers who stay in an organization for shorter time are most efficient that the others. Because of the efficiency they have the ability to escalate the efficiency at work, which enables that company to generate higher revenue. Consequently, this paves the way for that company to reach the pinnacle. Secondly, frequent job changes are smart workers. Owing to the capability of being smarter than hard workers, their career growth will be increasing drastically, as they have the potential to get a job done easier and they think out of the box. For example, a survey conducted by the government of the UK illustrated that job changers are smarter when compared to the rest. Due to which they get a better increment, thus by converting all their breakdowns into breakthroughs. As a result, smart working employees not only grow in the career, but also make the organization develop. In conclusion, I strongly believe that staff who changes job is much more capable than those who are stagnating in the same company, which proves that job changers should be promoted to a higher position.
A society of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believes that promotions should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
worked in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
for a long time.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
the other proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tends to differ from this approach. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
.

The principal rationale behind the latter point of view is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
switch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will have wide exposure about the industry and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the same.
In other words
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to another, that candidate should have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
technical knowledge to crack an interview, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them sagacious than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
remain in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
for a longer period.
For instance
, recent research conducted by the World Employee Council demonstrated that eighty percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
stay in an organization for shorter time are most efficient that the others.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the efficiency they have the ability to escalate the efficiency at work, which enables that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to generate higher revenue.
Consequently
, this paves the way for that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to reach the pinnacle.

Secondly
, frequent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
are smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
. Owing to the capability of being smarter than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, their career growth will be increasing
drastically
, as they have the potential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
done
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
easier and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
out of the box.
For example
, a survey conducted by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of the UK illustrated that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
changers are smarter when compared to the rest. Due to which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better increment,
thus
by converting all their breakdowns into breakthroughs.
As a result
, smart working employees not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
grow in the career,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the organization develop.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that staff
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is much more capable than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are stagnating in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, which proves that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
changers should
be promoted
to a higher position.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is important for governments to spend money to improve internet access rather than public transportation v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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