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do you agree or disagree with the statement? the ability to maintain friendship with small group of people is more important than ability to making new friends. v.13

the ability to maintain friendship with small group of people is more important than ability to making new friends. v. 13
Some investigations illustrate that our personality and development occur in our birth rather than any experience that we gain in our whole life. This essay will examine the influences that shape our identity and future development. First of all, as it is well known that everyone has a different personality. However, some of our behaviours look like our parents or relatives. In other words, our genotypes shape not only our appearance, but also our characteristic properties. Our genes influence our personality. For instance, there are lots of people who smile as their mother or get angry as their father. Moreover, some people are shy as their parents or react in any situations as one of their relatives. This situation was proven by lots of different gene research. However, there are some missing points. I believe that our characteristics also depend on our experiences and our neighbourhood. For instance, children learn how to distinguish between right and wrong while they are raising. Their social environment influences their behaviour. Children tend to mimic their parents. In this way, they learn new things and their personality takes shape. Therefore, parents should try to be good role models for their children. In my point of view, no child was born with bad characteristics. People’s personality change with experiences in time. To sum up, although some researches show that our personality and development are affected by the characteristic which is shaped inborn, I think that any experiences that we gain in our life are more crucial than our genes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
investigations illustrate that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
and development occur in our birth
rather
than any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
that we gain in our whole life. This essay will examine the influences that shape our identity and future development.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, as it is well known that everyone has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of our
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
look like our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or relatives.
In other words
, our genotypes shape not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
our appearance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
characteristic
properties. Our genes influence our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
.
For instance
, there are lots of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who smile as their mother or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
angry as their father.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are shy as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or react in any situations as one of their relatives. This situation
was proven
by lots of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
gene research.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
missing points. I believe that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
characteristics
also
depend on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
and our
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
.
For instance
, children learn how to distinguish between right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
while they are raising. Their social environment influences their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Children tend to mimic their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. In this way, they learn new things and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
takes shape.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should try to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
role models for their children. In my point of view, no child
was born
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
characteristics
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
in time.

To sum up, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
researches
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
and development are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
characteristic
which
is shaped
inborn, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
that we gain in our life are more crucial than our genes.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay the ability to maintain friendship with small group of people is more important than ability to making new friends. v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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