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It is illegal for employers to rejecting a person applying for a job because of her or his age. Negative or positive development. v.1

It is illegal for employers to rejecting a person applying for a job because of her or his age. Negative or positive development. v. 1
The given statement argues that the government should take the responsibility in providing certain benefits for employed women who tend to the family needs such as taking care of their children. I completely agree with this statement as the working women do need some support in order to balance their personal and professional life. The first and foremost reason is women go through a lot of physical and psychological changes during their maternity and they can't keep up with their work for this period. Also a growing child needs its mother more than anything else. If a proper support is not given to these women at a time like this, they will be left with no other option but resign to their current job. This in turn may lead to many financial problems in their families. Secondly, to improve the number of women employees the government should take some measures that can lead to a more comfortable working environment. This not only benefits the women, but also boosts the economy as due to the above stated reasons many potential women out there don't have a choice to work. Moreover, are multiple instances around the world where the governments have taken steps to address this issue, like the one in Unied states where it is a women's right to get a maternity leave. So it is clear from this argument that government should take responsibility for making the women's work environment better. They can observe how other countries are taking steps to improve the status of their women and therefore lead to a better economy and living.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement argues that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take the responsibility in providing certain benefits for employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who tend to the family needs such as taking care of their children. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement as the working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
do need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
support in order to balance their personal and professional life.

The
first
and foremost reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
go through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
physical and psychological
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
during their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
maternity and
they can't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with their work for this period.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
a growing child needs its mother more than anything else. If a proper support is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
at a time like this, they will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with no other option
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
resign to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
job. This in turn may lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
financial problems in their families.

Secondly
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
employees the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures that can lead to a more comfortable working environment. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefits the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
boosts the economy as due to the above stated reasons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
potential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
out there don't have a choice to work.
Moreover
, are multiple instances around the world where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
have taken steps to address this issue, like the one in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Unied
states where it is a women's right to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from this argument that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take responsibility for making the
This expression can be considered offensive.
women's work
environment better. They can observe how other countries are taking steps to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the status of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
therefore
lead to a better economy and living.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is illegal for employers to rejecting a person applying for a job because of her or his age. Negative or positive development. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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