Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

It is generally acknowledged that families are now not as close as they used to be. v.2

It is generally acknowledged that families are now not as close as they used to be. v. 2
There is much discussion nowadays as to whether or not the relationship between family members is as close as before. Diverse contributing factors can be identified. In the following, I would like to present my point of view. Great changes have taken place in family life along with the development of society. One of them is that the once-extended family tends to become smaller and smaller. Many children have to leave their parents at an early age to study or work elsewhere. As time passes, children become emotionally estranged from their parents. Compared with the past, social competition is becoming increasingly fierce. People are urged to concentrate their efforts on their works so that they can achieve success or at least a good standard of living. As a result, they can’t afford to spend their leisure hours with their families. The importance of bonds of kinship is gradually fading from their minds. In addition, the availability of various kinds of recreational facilities also diverts people from enjoying chats with the members of their families. Their free time is mostly occupied by watching TV, surfing the Internet or playing video games. They come to lose interest in communicating with the other members of their families. In view of such alienation within families, urgent steps must be taken, in my opinion. For members of families who live away from one another, regular contact on the phone can bring them the care that they need. Family reunions on holidays or other important occasions can make a difference as well. For those living together, it is a good idea to take some time off work or recreation periods to spend more time with each other. In the final analysis, a close family relationship can surely be maintained as long as we realise the significant role it plays in our lives and we attach importance to it.
There is much discussion nowadays
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
as to whether or not
the relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
is as close as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Diverse contributing factors can
be identified
. In the following, I would like to present my point of view.

Great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
have taken place in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
life along with the development of society. One of them is that the once-extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
tends to become smaller and smaller.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their parents at an early age to study or work elsewhere. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
passes, children become
emotionally
estranged from their parents.

Compared with the past, social competition is becoming
increasingly
fierce.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are urged
to concentrate their efforts on their works
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can achieve success or at least a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
standard of living.
As a result
, they can’t afford to spend their leisure hours with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. The importance of bonds of kinship is
gradually
fading from their minds.

In addition
, the availability of various kinds of recreational facilities
also
diverts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from enjoying chats with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. Their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is
mostly
occupied by watching TV, surfing the Internet or playing video games. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to lose interest in communicating with the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. In view of such alienation within
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, urgent steps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
, in my opinion. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
away from one another, regular contact on the phone can bring them the care that they need.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
reunions on holidays or other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
occasions can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a difference
as well
. For those living together, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
off work or recreation periods to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with each other.

In the final analysis, a close
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationship can
surely
be maintained
as long as we
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
the significant role it plays in our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lives and
we attach importance to it.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay It is generally acknowledged that families are now not as close as they used to be. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
312 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts