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It is generally acknowledged that families are now not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. v.1

It is generally acknowledged that families are now not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. v. 1
In the earlier times, families used to spend a lot of time together. But presently, it is believed that the family members do not share a closer relationship with each other than they used to share. The reasons for such a change along with some possible suggestions are discussed in forthcoming paragraphs. To embark upon, there are several causes for the relationships of a household growing apart. Firstly, people in the urban areas tend to devote too much time away from each other, with adults spending a larger time busy doing work or meeting deadlines at office while children spend it in school or surfing on the internet in their free time which, in turn, strain their relationship with one another. Secondly, people in rural areas, because of lack of resources, have to move to the towns away from their loved ones to make an endeavour to earn money. For instance, according to a recent report by a popular magazine, at least one male from each family in rural areas are living in cities for the purpose of earning their livelihood. Therefore, in these situations, people have lesser time around their family members. In my opinion, this situation can be rectified by taking various measures. Undoubtedly, parents can play a major role to improve the quality of bond within the family by sparing out some time for outings or by adopting a hobby where each member of family can participate. Moreover, the government, on the other hand, can establish factories, universities and can even provide resources to the rural population so that they do not have to move to the urban areas to support their families. To conclude, albeit earning money is a necessary thing, but it should not be done at the cost of ignoring the dear ones who are crucial part an individual’s life.
In the earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
together.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
presently
, it
is believed
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members do not share a closer relationship with each other than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to share. The reasons for such a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
along with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible suggestions
are discussed
in forthcoming paragraphs.

To embark upon, there are several causes for the relationships of a household growing apart.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
tend to devote too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
away from each other, with adults spending a larger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
busy doing work or meeting deadlines at office while children spend it in school or surfing on the internet in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
which, in turn, strain their relationship with one another.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of resources,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the towns away from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to earn money.
For instance
, according to a recent report by a popular magazine, at least one male from each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are living in cities for the purpose of earning their livelihood.
Therefore
, in these situations,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have lesser
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
around their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.

In my opinion, this situation can
be rectified
by taking various measures.
Undoubtedly
, parents can play a major role to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality of bond within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
by sparing out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for outings or by adopting a hobby where each member of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can participate.
Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
,
on the other hand
, can establish factories, universities and can even provide resources to the rural population
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to support their families.

To conclude
, albeit earning money is a necessary thing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it should not
be done
at the cost of ignoring the dear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who are crucial part an individual’s life.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay It is generally acknowledged that families are now not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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