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It is expected in the near future that there will be higher proportion of old people compared to younger population in some countries. Is it positive or negative development? v.1

It is expected in the near future that there will be higher proportion of old people compared to younger population in some countries. Is it positive or negative development? v. 1
Has it ever comes to your attention that the number of old people in comparison with youngers in some countries are increasing? This figure is a negative development for our future. In this essay we discuss bad aspects of this approach. The first step toward facing these implications would be to take an exact look at this development. It has been argued that each society must have increasing their population to avoid extinction. Beside this, if the amount of maternity in society has decreased, our society turns to the old one. To illustrate, according to some statistics decreasing in number of people cases simultaneously extinction of people and languages in some countries. All in all, if our older people population increasing, it means that the rate of babies whom born are few. Likewise, we must avoid this figure because it leads us to extinction of humans and some languages. Secondly, not only is this development negative but also threating our society. In addition, each society needs people whom take our society’s responsibilities. For instance, our society needs some worker whom can work in hard conditions, but old people could not do these works. Moreover, sometimes these works are essential and we cannot ignore them. In addition, as all know, people need retirement period which they can rest without any concerns. This purpose would not occur until we could find some people whom could do same things like them. In conclusion, we could not leave some initial works and do not retire old people. Further, this figure would not happen until we have a young population for replacement. To sum up, based on aforementioned compelling grounds, increasing in number of old people is negative development. This trend has dire consequences for our future. Finally, extinction and lack of members in workplaces are consequences of this figure.
Has it ever
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to your attention that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in comparison
with
Possible spelling mistake found.
youngers
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
? This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
for our future. In this essay we discuss
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
aspects of this approach.

The
first
step toward facing these implications would be to take an exact look at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. It has
been argued
that each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
their population to avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
. Beside this, if the amount of maternity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
has decreased, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
turns to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
one. To illustrate, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
statistics
A more concise phrase may lose no meaning and sound more powerful.
decreasing in number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cases
simultaneously
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and languages in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries. All in all, if our older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
, it means that the rate of babies whom born are few.
Likewise
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
avoid this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it leads us to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
of humans and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
languages.

Secondly
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
is this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
threating
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
In addition
, each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
whom take our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society’s
responsibilities.
For instance
, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
worker whom can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
conditions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could not do these works.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
these works are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
essential and
we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
them.
In addition
, as all know,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need retirement period which they can rest without any concerns. This purpose would not occur until we could find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
whom could do same things like them.
In conclusion
, we could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
initial works and do not retire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Further
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
would not happen until we have a young population for replacement.

To sum up, based on aforementioned compelling grounds,
A more concise phrase may lose no meaning and sound more powerful.
increasing in number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. This trend has dire consequences for our future.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
and lack of members in workplaces are consequences of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is expected in the near future that there will be higher proportion of old people compared to younger population in some countries. Is it positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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