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Some think that residents should responsible for keeping thier areas clean and tidy, while others say it is the government’s responsibility. Discuss both views and state your own opinion. v.2

Some think that residents should responsible for keeping thier areas clean and tidy, while others say it is the government’s responsibility. v. 2
These days, in certain countries, there are legislations which prevent young ones who are under 16 from leaving school so as to enter the workforce. This is a good approach to prevent exploitation of children and it would allow teenagers concentrate on their studies. Firstly, when young ones are not permitted to stop their education in order to work, they would be able to focus on their studies. This is because full-time work would prevent children from having the mental strength needed to gain knowledge and skills. For instance, a recent study conducted by the Ministry of Education in Nigeria found out that young ones involved in full-time work do not excel in their academies when offered the opportunity to attend evening classes due to the demand and stress from work. If these children were not allowed to enter the workforce, they would have been able to concentrate on their education. Furthermore, young ones could be easily cheated by employers. In other words, they may not fully understand the details in work contracts. As a result, they could be paid less that the expected wage or they may be forced to work for longer hours. For example, due to the limited experience of teenagers in Nigeria, they are often paid salaries below the National Minimum Wage and work incentives given to the older employees may not be offered to them. This would have been prevented if underage persons were not allowed to work at the detriment of their education. In conclusion, laws that prevent children who are under 16 from stopping their education so as to work k full-time are enacted in some countries in order to ensure that children are not exploited and they can focus on their education. These merits should be promoted in nations yet to enact these laws
These days, in certain countries, there are
Possible spelling mistake found.
legislations
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who are under 16 from leaving school
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
enter the workforce. This is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
approach to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevent
exploitation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
concentrate on their studies.

Firstly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are not permitted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they would be able to focus on their studies. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from having the mental strength needed to gain knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, a recent study conducted by the Ministry of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
in Nigeria found out that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
involved in full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
do not excel in their academies when offered the opportunity to attend evening classes due to the demand and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. If these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to enter the workforce, they would have been able to concentrate on their education.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
could be
easily
cheated by employers.
In other words
, they may not
fully
understand the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
contracts.
As a result
, they could
be paid
less that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
wage or
they may
be forced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for longer hours.
For example
, due to the limited experience of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in Nigeria, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
paid salaries below the National Minimum Wage and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
incentives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the older employees may not
be offered
to them. This would have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
if underage persons were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at the detriment of their education.

In conclusion
, laws that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are under 16 from stopping their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
work

k full-time
are enacted
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries in order to ensure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
exploited and
they can focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. These merits should
be promoted
in nations
yet
to enact these
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
laws
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some think that residents should responsible for keeping thier areas clean and tidy, while others say it is the government’s responsibility. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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