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In the future it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of old people than younger people in many countries. Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

In the future it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of old people than younger people in many countries. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
It is an undeniable and widely believed fact that in coming years the number of elderly people will exceed that of young men and women across the globe. This essay totally agrees with the idea that this situation will adversely affect the world because of a higher tax burden due to increasing pensions, on working people and more contribution of the country’s GDP towards health care. As the headcount of older people will increase the government will be compelled to provide pensions to aged citizens. Since in most of the nation’s people retire at the age of 60 so they won’t be able to contribute to duty issued by states. It is the younger middle class who will need to pay this hike in tariff and duties so that the funds can be collected, in order to have an abundant amount of money for pensions. For example, in Italy, as the count of aged people is increasing, the state had to launch a new tax just devoted to allowance for the senior citizens. Because of this Livelihoods of middle class working people were badly impacted. Another reason why the growing number of old people pose a serious threat to society is that aged people are more prone to be diagnosed with chronic diseases. Due to this, a significant amount of money needs to be diverted towards public health care. Every country wants to excel in diverse fields like space research or sports. However, as life is precious, so the funds allocated for other developments are assigned in public health to battle various types of illnesses. For instance, a considerable amount of reserves were reallocated to fight diabetes in senior women, from a space exploration mission in India. This will actually stagnate the overall growth of a nation and is certainly not desirable to other citizens. In conclusion, older people will majorly contribute to the world’s demographics and will outnumber the people who are young. In my opinion, this condition will put a strain on the government’s economic plan by burdening tax regimes and more attention towards healthcare and this is certainly an unfavourable aspect for the world.
It is an undeniable and
widely
believed fact that in coming years the number of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will exceed that of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women across the globe. This essay
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that this situation will
adversely
affect the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a higher tax burden due to increasing pensions, on working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and more contribution of the country’s GDP towards health care.

“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
the headcount of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will
be compelled
to provide pensions to aged citizens. Since in most of the nation’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
retire at the age of 60
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they won’t be able to contribute to duty issued by states. It is the younger middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
who will need to pay this hike in tariff and duties
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the funds can
be collected
, in order to have an abundant amount of money for pensions.
For example
, in Italy, as the count of aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is increasing, the state had to launch a new tax
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
devoted to allowance for the senior citizens.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of
Did you mean "these"?
this
Livelihoods of middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were
badly
impacted.

Another reason why the growing number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pose a serious threat to society is that aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more prone to
be diagnosed
with chronic diseases. Due to this, a significant amount of money needs to
be diverted
towards public health care. Every country wants to excel in diverse fields like space research or sports.
However
, as life is precious,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the funds allocated for other developments
are assigned
in public health to battle various types of illnesses.
For instance
, a considerable amount of reserves
Possible agreement error
were
reallocated to fight diabetes in senior women, from a space exploration mission in India. This will actually stagnate the
overall
growth of a nation and is
certainly
not desirable to other citizens.

In conclusion
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
majorly
contribute to the world’s demographics and will outnumber the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are young. In my opinion, this condition will put a strain on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s economic plan by burdening tax regimes and more attention towards healthcare and this is
certainly
an
Possible spelling mistake. 'unfavourable' is British English.
unfavourable
aspect for the world.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay In the future it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of old people than younger people in many countries. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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