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It is better to make friends with intelligent people than with the people who have a good sense of humor. v.1

It is better to make friends with intelligent people than with the people who have a good sense of humor. v. 1
Children nowadays prefer playing with the mobile phone over the traditional toys, some people think that this new habit is detrimental to their health, while others think, it is natural for them to get accustomed to phones at a young age in this modern era. In My opinion, the use of mobiles for children under the age of fifteen should be restricted to the usage of the special phone only for need in a time of an emergency or for education. On one hand, behavioural scientist and child development experts, think that using smartphones at a young age has a seriously bad effect on children. First, in terms of their physical health, it is proved by a study that showed children develop herniated disc illness at a young age due to a bad poster. Secondly, the lack of physical activities and social interaction will eventually hindrance the child brain development and their personality. For instance, the excessive use of mobile will lead the child to be introverted or develop an addiction to violent video games which will make young adult more aggressive towards others. On the other hand, other people think that their children need to keep up with this modern world and get accustomed to using technology. With working parent being away, they need to ensure the safety of their children and for that, they need constant contact so children must have phones and know how to use them. In Educational context, for instance, children need to use tablets in schools. So they will use a phone in their home correctly and for educational purposes. In My opinion, the use of smartphones by a young adult should be limited at certain functionalities, such as learning or safe game playing. Also, the time spent on these devices should be limited and we should ensure that our children have a healthy life by playing outside, doing sport and socializing. The bright side is that taking into account the harmful usage oh phones, many applications are now available to check and control how children are using them. To conclude, phones are a sign of development. It is inevitable that at some point our children will use them for certain reasons. Therefore, we should be smart about how to control this usage and turn it to their benefits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
nowadays prefer playing with the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
over the traditional toys,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that this new habit is detrimental to their health, while others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
, it is natural for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
accustomed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
in this modern era. In My opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobiles for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
under the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of fifteen should
be restricted
to the usage of the special
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
in a time of an emergency or for education.

On one hand,
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
scientist and child development experts,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that using smartphones at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
has a
seriously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
First
, in terms of their physical health, it
is proved
by a study that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
develop herniated disc illness at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
due to a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
poster.
Secondly
, the lack of physical activities and social interaction will
eventually
hindrance the child brain development and their personality.
For instance
, the excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile will lead the child to
be introverted
or develop an addiction to violent video games which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult more aggressive towards others.

On the other hand
, other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with this modern world and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
accustomed to using technology. With working parent being away, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to ensure the safety of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and for that, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
constant contact
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them. In Educational context,
for instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
tablets in schools.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
in their home
correctly
and for educational purposes.

In My opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of smartphones by a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult should
be limited
at certain functionalities, such as learning or safe game playing.
Also
, the time spent on these devices should be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
limited and
we should ensure that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a healthy life by playing outside, doing sport and socializing. The bright side is that taking into account the harmful usage oh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
applications are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
available to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
and control how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are using them.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of development. It is inevitable that at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them for certain reasons.
Therefore
, we should be smart about how to control this usage and turn it to their benefits.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is better to make friends with intelligent people than with the people who have a good sense of humor. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
385 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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