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It is better for young to get advice from older people than young people. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

It is better for young to get advice from older people than young people. v. 2
There is no doubt that studying is crucial for our development. However, although some people argue that getting advice from older people is more beneficial than from younger ones, I feel that it is more valuable to use both types of wisdom sources. On one hand, getting advice from elderly people can benefit for many reasons, one of which is that they have a mammoth amount of life experience; consequently, taking their opinions into consideration may save plenty of money and time. For example, my father gave me several pieces of advice, which helped me to find proper business partners and the wife, with whom I have been living for the last ten years. Alternatively, if a person is young and inexperienced, then his advice may not be extremely valuable. However, in my view, young people’s opinons can also be useful in several ways; for example, they are aware in modern technologies and can consult how to improve the effectiveness of routine operations. For instance, my 16 year-old cousin helped his mother with her personal finance management by installing a relevant mobile app on her mobile phone. Moreover, if you are an entrepreneur, creating an online service for youngsters, you must interview potential consumers of this age. Therefore, combining the knowledge from elderly and young people can help one to gain knowledge in various aspects. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account, we can argue that although older people have a greater life experience, I feel that it is also benefitial to ask younger ones for an advice because they understand modern technologies better.
There is no doubt that studying is crucial for our development.
However
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advice
from older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
more beneficial than from younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, I feel that it is more valuable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
both types of wisdom sources.

On one hand, getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advice
from elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can benefit for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons, one of which is that they have a mammoth amount of life experience;
consequently
, taking their opinions into consideration may save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of money and time.
For example
, my father gave me several pieces of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advice
, which
In informal texts, 'to' is not necessary. Do you mean "helped me find"?
helped me to find
proper business partners and the wife, with whom I have been living for the last ten years.
Alternatively
, if a person is young and inexperienced, then his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advice
may not be
extremely
valuable.

However
, in my view, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’
Possible spelling mistake found.
s opinons
can
also
be useful in several ways;
for example
, they are aware in modern technologies and can consult how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the effectiveness of routine operations.
For instance
, my 16 year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
cousin
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
his mother with her personal finance management by installing a relevant mobile app on her mobile phone.
Moreover
, if you are an entrepreneur, creating an online service for youngsters, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
interview potential consumers of this age.
Therefore
, combining the knowledge from elderly and young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
one to gain knowledge in various aspects.

In conclusion
, taking everything mentioned into account, we can argue that although older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a greater life experience, I feel that it is
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefitial
to ask younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they understand modern technologies better.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay It is better for young to get advice from older people than young people. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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