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It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents than to choose jobs that are different from their parent s jobs v.2

It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents than to choose jobs that are different from their parent s jobs v. 2
Our Careers make a crucial part in our lives. It is thought by some people that it would be better for children if they choose a career that is completely different to their parent’ jobs, rather than choosing a job that is the same as their parents is. This essay will discuss why, in fact, children should choose a job that is similar to their parent’s jobs. First and foremost, contrary to the belief that children should base their decisions about their careers on their desires and passions, evidence shows that children who followed their parent’s footsteps were more successful. For example, statistics have revealed that 78 percent of children who followed their passions for their career choices, they did not do well on achieving their objectives. Therefore, those children could not pursue their dreams. This supports the idea that children who do not wisely think about what are the possibilities to become successful in life.  They would fail to reach their goals somewhere in the process. Having parents in the same field would help students to get the support they would need on any stage of their careers. Second, it is important to consider the fact that the profession would be expanded in the family. That would be an identification for the family. For instance, my personal experience is a compelling example of this. When I was a child, I always wanted to become a doctor like my father. I grew up around the medical books such as humans body atlases, which really fascinated me. When I grew up, I studied medicine. After I graduated, I worked as a doctor and I always thought that my kids would choose the same field as me and my father. Consequently, the profession would be kept into the family for a generation to come. If my child would not choose to become a doctor, then that prestige would vanish away. That is something that I never would wish for.
Our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Careers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a crucial part in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that it would be better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
if they choose a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
that is
completely 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’
jobs,
rather
than choosing a job
that is
the same as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is. This essay will discuss why, in fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should choose a job
that is
 similar to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
jobs.

First
and foremost, contrary to the belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should base their decisions about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
on their desires and passions, evidence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who followed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
footsteps were more successful.
For example
, statistics have revealed that 78 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who followed their passions for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
choices, they did not do well on achieving their objectives.
Therefore
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could not pursue their dreams. This supports the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who do not
wisely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about what are the possibilities to become successful in life.  They would fail to reach their goals somewhere in the process. Having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in the same field would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the support they would need on any stage of their careers.

Second, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider the fact that the profession would
be expanded
in the family. That would be an identification for the family.
For instance
, my personal experience is a compelling example of this. When I was a child, I always wanted to become a doctor like my father. I grew up around the medical books such as humans body atlases, which
really
fascinated me. When I grew up, I studied medicine. After I graduated, I worked as a doctor and I always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that my kids would choose the same field as me and my father.
Consequently
, the profession would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
into the family for a generation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
. If my child would not choose to become a doctor, then that prestige would vanish away.
That is
something that I
The adverb 'never' is usually put between 'would' and 'wish'.
never would wish
for.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents than to choose jobs that are different from their parent s jobs v. 2

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
318 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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