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It is believed that children from countries with a high level of unemployment should be offered only primary education and should not be offered secondary education as it is unlikely they will get a job in the future anyway. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

It is believed that children from countries with a high level of unemployment should be offered only primary education and should not be offered secondary education as it is unlikely they will get a job in the future anyway. v. 1
For a person to find a proper job as per his skills is challenging as today's corporate world is more competitive than the past. There is an argument where the states which have a higher rate of unemployment should be educating the children only up to primary education since there are not enough jobs. I believe everyone should be given a high level of education irrespective of employment opportunities they have in the future. Undoubtedly, some countries are struggling with unemployment. With the advent of technologies, companies are exploring options to replace the human workforce and to increase the usage of high tech machinery. Furthermore, the firms are trying to move into managed services where they outsource the work to another third world country to lower their annual budgets. As a result, in these countries, the layoffs of employees can be seen, and the number of jobless people is increasing at a high rate. Nevertheless, employers are headhunting many individuals who possess a high degree of qualifications. Subsequently, the competition has risen immensely and become stressful day by day to find a job. The only option left is to acquire skills as much as possible in order to secure a position in a firm. Hence, it is evident that everyone should complete secondary education and learn more subject matter to gain a good job. Furthermore, it is every child's right to be an educated person; thus, the government should not offer only the primary level of education. Instead of offering an only primary level of education, the state should offer secondary education and then the treasury level of education for children in order for the country to be economically stronger. In future, these are the generation who will be taking up the country, and without a proper level of knowledge; eventually, the state will sink drastically. In conclusion, the children should be given not only a quality secondary education, but also an excellent treasury education. Otherwise, the countries will fail in the future where there is no one to take its functions.
For a person to find a proper job as per his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
is challenging as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's corporate world is more competitive than the past. There is an argument where the states which have a higher rate of unemployment should be educating the children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
up to primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
since there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
jobs. I believe everyone should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
irrespective of employment opportunities they have in the future.

Undoubtedly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are struggling with unemployment. With the advent of technologies,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are exploring options to replace the human workforce and to increase the usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
tech machinery.
Furthermore
, the firms are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
into managed services where they outsource the work to another third world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to lower their annual budgets.
As a result
, in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the layoffs of employees can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, and the number of jobless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is increasing at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
rate.

Nevertheless
, employers are headhunting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals who possess a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
degree of qualifications.
Subsequently
, the competition has risen
immensely
and become stressful day by day to find a job. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
option
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
is to acquire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as much as possible in order to secure a position in a firm.
Hence
, it is evident that everyone should complete secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and learn more
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "subject".
subject matter
to gain a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job.

Furthermore
, it is every child's right to be an educated person;
thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should not offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
the primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
Instead
of offering an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, the state should offer secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and then the treasury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for children in order for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to be
economically
stronger.
Did you mean: "In the future"?
In future
, these are the generation who will be taking up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, and without a proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of knowledge;
eventually
, the state will sink
drastically
.

In conclusion
, the children should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
a quality secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
an excellent treasury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
Otherwise
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
will fail in the future where there is no one to take its functions.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay It is believed that children from countries with a high level of unemployment should be offered only primary education and should not be offered secondary education as it is unlikely they will get a job in the future anyway. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
342 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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