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It is argued that mobile phones and other electronic devices have no places in the classroom. To what extent you agree or disagree? v.1

It is argued that mobile phones and other electronic devices have no places in the classroom. v. 1
Increasing internet usage in different regions of the world for the year 2000 and year 2010 is depicted in the graph. Further, we are able to relate the no of users in millions which has been increased in the tenure of 10 years. In contrast, only the North America region has been reached to an apex point of penetration. Putting relevant data in the picture, we are having the countries like Asia and Europe, which have shown a greater growth with 114 million users in the year 2000 to 825 million users in the year 2010 in region Asia, moreover Europe also supported by showing a greater increase from 105 million to 475. However, Latin America and Oceania have disappointed with minimal growth results. Overall, if we calculate then, from 360 million users to 1966 million users, which is almost 5 times the users than in the year 2000. Not only the no of people that are using doesn't matter, but the fact of penetration of the internet since the year 2000 to 2010 is relevant. Analysing the percent penetrated in the year 2010, North America is on top of the charts with 75% followed by Australia and Oceania. Being in the bottom of the charts, Africa has shown justified growth as considering the fact of awareness and literacy rate. Concluding the above details with strong arguments that increasing in internet users in the period of 10 years have uplifted the growth of the country with growing exposure for all the millions of users who are gathering information just by sitting at home, moreover also increased the concern of social security of different regions due to growing of the interconnected network.
Increasing internet usage in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
of the world for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2000 and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2010
is depicted
in the graph.
Further
, we are able to relate the
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
which has
been increased
in the tenure of 10 years.
In contrast
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the North America
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
region
has
been reached
to an apex point of penetration.

Putting relevant data in the picture, we are having the countries like Asia and Europe, which have shown a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
with 114
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2000 to 825
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2010 in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
region
Asia,
moreover
Europe
also
supported by showing a greater increase from 105
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
to 475.
However
, Latin America and Oceania have disappointed with minimal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
results.
Overall
, if we calculate then, from 360
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
to 1966
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
, which is almost 5 times the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
than in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2000.

Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that are using doesn't matter,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the fact of penetration of the internet since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2000 to 2010 is relevant.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Analysing' is British English.
Analysing
the percent penetrated in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2010, North America is on top of the charts with 75% followed by Australia and Oceania. Being in the bottom of the charts, Africa has shown justified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
as considering the fact of awareness and literacy rate.

Concluding the above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
with strong arguments that increasing in internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in the period of 10 years have uplifted the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
of the country with growing exposure for all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
who are gathering information
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by sitting at home,
moreover
also
increased the concern of social security of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
due to growing of the interconnected network.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay It is argued that mobile phones and other electronic devices have no places in the classroom. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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