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It has been seen that these days, some workplaces tend to employ equal numbers of men and women workers. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. v.1

It has been seen that these days, some workplaces tend to employ equal numbers of men and women workers. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. v. 1
It is now a trend in multinational companies and large organizations to give equal roles to women employees in the workplace. This is a very healthy initiative which has led to an increase in the number of women being employed and the numbers are now catching up with that of the male employees in such organizations. In my view, this is a highly positive development which has got a plethora of merits for our nation. Firstly, talent and hard work of any individual needs to be appreciated and awarded without any discrimination. Such policies help organizations realize the potential of their employees and achieve their business goals faster. For example, the turnaround story of Pepsico from crisis by choosing a non-board-member women to be their chief illustrates the point. Secondly, a recent study by the University of California on the workplace gender ratio showed that teams with an equal proportion of men and women tend to be more productive than those dominated by one gender. NASA, the most successful space exploration agency, uses the results of this study in structuring their teams and to plan even their interplanetary mission crews. Although it is understandable that women are physically weak as compared to men and that they are not completely out of the age-old social stigma which makes them take up more responsibilities towards their families, they have made up for such negative factors by their sheer hard work and persistence. So, women being treated and employed just like any other human being is one of the biggest revolutions which is happening in our times and it holds the key for the sustainable development of any nation in the world.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a trend in multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and large organizations to give equal roles to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
employees in the workplace. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
healthy initiative which has led to an increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
being employed
and the numbers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
catching up with that of the male employees in such organizations. In my view, this is a
highly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a plethora of merits for our nation.

Firstly
, talent and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work of any individual needs to
be appreciated
and awarded without any discrimination. Such policies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
organizations realize the potential of their employees and achieve their business goals faster.
For example
, the turnaround story of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Pepsico
from crisis by choosing a non-board-member
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to be their chief illustrates the point.

Secondly
, a recent study by the University of California on the workplace gender ratio
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that teams with an equal proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
tend to be more productive than those dominated by one gender. NASA, the most successful space exploration agency,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
the results of this study in structuring their teams and to plan even their interplanetary mission crews.

Although it is understandable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
physically
weak as compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and that they are not completely out of the age-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
social stigma which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them take up more responsibilities towards their families, they have made up for such
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
factors by their sheer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and persistence.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
being treated
and employed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like any other human being is one of the biggest revolutions which is happening in our times and it holds the key for the sustainable development of any nation in the world.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS essay It has been seen that these days, some workplaces tend to employ equal numbers of men and women workers. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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