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Is it better for students to live at home with their parents or in school accommodation? v.1

Is it better for students to live at home with their parents or in school accommodation? v. 1
Nowadays, many parents thought to decide that their children should stay at home and go to school. In contrast, there are some other people argue that their children should be sent to the school dormitory. I personally agree the second group’s point of view. There are many advantages that the teenagers will get when they live in the school accommodation, namely they will have new friends, more time to study and discussion and it learn to live independently and take responsibilities. Firstly, if the students live in school accommodation, they will have many different friends such as different regions, languages, customs, hobbies, background and current fields of study. Some scholar said living in the diversity helps the community think uniquely. I mean, they will have a better understanding than people who never build up the relationship with others in the community or even in the school. These students will also expand their knowledge because they are able to learn from others. Furthermore, group discussion is one of the important things that should be done by the students. In this group, they could meet their classmates or others having the same interest. More time is using to discuss the assignments or essays will impact to the ability and capability of the students. Group study is much useful because intellectually and behaviorally these students will change positively. Lastly, the decision to stay at school dormitory means more independence to do everything such as cooking, washing, tidying up the bedroom, clearing the building, yard, etc. These kinds of activities will lead the students to be independent and responsible. To sum up, even though many people have different arguments about where is the best place for their sons and daughter: staying in school accommodation or living at home. My suggestion and reasons have explained above. So I think the better place for the students is to live in the school dormitory.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to decide that their children should stay at home and go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
In contrast
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that their children should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
dormitory. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
the second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group’s
point of view. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
accommodation,
namely
they will have new friends, more time to study and discussion and it
Did you mean "learns"?
learn
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
independently
and take responsibilities.
Firstly
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
accommodation, they will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
friends such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
regions, languages, customs, hobbies, background and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
fields of study.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
scholar said living in the diversity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the community
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
uniquely
. I mean, they will have a better understanding than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who never build up the relationship with others in the community or even in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
also
expand their knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are able to learn from others.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
discussion is one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things that should
be done
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. In this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their classmates or others having the same interest. More time is using to discuss the assignments or essays will impact to the ability and capability of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Group
study is much useful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
intellectually
and
behaviorally
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
positively
.

Lastly
, the decision to stay at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
dormitory means more independence to do everything such as cooking, washing, tidying up the bedroom, clearing the building, yard, etc. These kinds of activities will lead the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to be independent and responsible. To sum up,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
arguments about where is the best place for their sons and daughter: staying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
accommodation or living at home. My suggestion and reasons have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
above.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the better place for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
dormitory.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Is it better for students to live at home with their parents or in school accommodation? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
317 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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