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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v.13

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 13
Superstars of television, film and other media are given a big amount of money and it has become a controversial issue in the entire world. I am also in agreement with it and I would suggest that skilled workers also should be paid more. They are also real heroes of our societies. In the following paragraphs, I am going to discuss some of the reasons why we should not give too much money to the stars only for their fame. On the first place, in order to validate my thoughts, there are several reasons. The first one it is to be understood that if the government and public give more money to the cricketers or to film stars, it may happen that they can use that money on wrong ways. Secondly, the government should also understand that giving too much money to celebrities is good but whether they can use it for social good causes like education of children, charity works etc. For example, they can use it to ensure a good education for poor people. Thirdly, also that stars having good publicity and they have their own business so it is possible that they would have enough money. Individuals should create a fund where so many celebrities can donate their money to poor people's food or housing related issues and also they must ask to assist from that stars and also if developed countries do this so it can be beneficial to undeveloped countries. Another point of this essay is that to whom the government should give more salary? So I would mention that more and more skilled workers also should be given more money because they provide many facilities to the people. It has also seen that so many doctors, nurses and even teachers are migrating from undeveloped countries to developed countries to have a better life and earn more. That’s why it may affect the economy of a country. The government should give them good salaries so they don't have to migrate to other countries. To conclude, I would opine that celebrities should be given money but to some extent that should be restricted and they should be bound to take part in charity and social welfare related tasks so that we can use that fund on poor people as I have written above.
Superstars of television, film and other media are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and it has become a controversial issue in the entire world. I am
also
in agreement with it and I would suggest that skilled workers
also
should
be paid
more. They are
also
real heroes of our societies. In the following paragraphs, I am going to discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons why we should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for their fame.

On the
first
place, in order to validate my thoughts, there are several reasons. The
first
one it is to
be understood
that if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to the cricketers or to film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
, it may happen that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
ways.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
also
understand that giving too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to celebrities is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
whether they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
causes like education of children, charity works etc.
For example
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to ensure a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
education for poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Thirdly
,
also
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
publicity and
they have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is possible that they would have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Individuals should create a fund where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
celebrities can donate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's food or housing related issues and
also
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
ask to assist from that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
and
also
if developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
do this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it can be beneficial to undeveloped countries.

Another point of this essay is that to whom the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
more salary?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I would mention that more and more skilled workers
also
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
facilities to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. It has
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
doctors, nurses and even teachers are migrating from undeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to have a better life and earn more. That’s why it may affect the economy of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
salaries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they don't
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
migrate to other countries.

To conclude
, I would opine that celebrities should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent that should be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
restricted and
they should
be bound
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in charity and social welfare related tasks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that fund on poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as I have written above.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 13

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
387 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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