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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v.12

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 12
Some people think that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money and I also feel that is true. I totally agree with this thought. Let's discuss in details. In today's world, we can categorise these entertainers are the highest earners in the society. Their earning is much higher than most of the people. This difference also leads to the making of more poor people within the society. I will describe in my view why these high salaries are unfair. Firstly, entertainers are also doing their job as other people in the world. Each and every individual in the workforce are giving some support to make the national income in a country. Therefore it is unfair to pay very big salaries to fewer people. Furthermore, payments should be done according to the job type, not considering the popularity. Secondly, these people earn much higher than well-educated ones in the society like doctors, engineers, accountants etc. It is not the best practise knowledge and wisdom are less valued here. This will definitely discourage young people to be professionals. Thirdly, paying very high salaries to the film stars, sports stars or musicians makes an unfair situation to the poor people who are working very hard to make ends meet. Most of the government servants might not get good wages as the government cannot arrange the money since entertainers are highly paid. We should not forget that these payment made by the government from everyone's money. To sum up I also feel that entertainers are highly paid and I think these payment systems should be done an intelligent and fairly way than this. I think salary scales must be designed very fairly than present. Wages might be plan considering various measures such as how hard is the job, educational level, profession. Moreover professionals like doctors, engineers, accountants, lecturers should be highly paid since it encourages society to be educated. But it is also should be at a balanced level.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
such as film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
, pop musicians or sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
too much money and I
also
feel
that is
true. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
's discuss in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, we can
Possible spelling mistake. 'categorise' is British English.
categorise
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are the highest earners in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Their earning is much higher than most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This difference
also
leads to the making of more poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
in my view why these high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
are unfair.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are
also
doing their job as other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world. Each and every individual in the workforce are giving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
support to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the national income in a country.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it is unfair to pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
to fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Furthermore
, payments should
be done
according to the job type, not considering the popularity.

Secondly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earn much higher than well-educated ones in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
like doctors, engineers, accountants etc. It is not the best
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
knowledge and wisdom are less valued here. This will definitely discourage young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be professionals.
Thirdly
, paying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
to the film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
, sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
or musicians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
an unfair situation to the poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
. Most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
servants might not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
wages as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
cannot arrange the money since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
. We should not forget that
Did you mean "this payment" or "these payments"?
these payment
made by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
from everyone's money.

To sum up I
also
feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
these payment systems should
be done
an intelligent and
fairly
Use "(way)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
way
than this. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
scales
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be designed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use "(fairly)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
fairly
than present. Wages might be plan considering various measures such as how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
is the job, educational level, profession.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
professionals like doctors, engineers, accountants, lecturers should be
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
since it encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
to
be educated
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it is
also
should be at a balanced level.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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