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Inviduals can do nothing to change society. Any new developments can only be brought about by governments and large institutions. How far do you agree or disagree? v.1

Inviduals can do nothing to change society. Any new developments can only be brought about by governments and large institutions. How far v. 1
Some people believe that new evolutions which change the world can be carried out by individuals. Although I partly agree with this opinion, I think that it is more effective when the government or large academic centers conduct those new developments. On one hand, there are many examples prove that great products can come from a single person such as Facebook from Mark Zuckerberg or Window operating system from Bill Gate. However, the number of those talented people in our society is very small as can be described as “one in millions”. Furthermore, each person can hardly create several breakthrough products in their whole life because they have to improve every single creation many times before it can be complete. As a result, those products that have important impact to our life will be very limited in quantity. On the other hand, governments and big academies have plenty of advantages to bring new ideas to real life. The most significant strong points are manpower which is a large number of people skilled in various fields and technologies with latest modern machines that help new proposals to be considered and done much more easier and faster. These upsides would help to improve our world with creations that are good in both quality and quantity. A good example is in architecture firms, the concepts can come from one person such as Zaha Hadid or Frank Lloyd Wright, but their buildings cannot be real without a lot of staffs who developed those ideas with newest materials and construction methods. In conclusion, no one can deny those notable works done by individuals, but I strongly believe that administration and academic organizations should take the main roles on the way to enhance our world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
evolutions which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the world can
be carried
out by individuals. Although I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is more effective when the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or large academic centers conduct those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
developments.

On one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
examples prove that great products can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from a single person such as Facebook from Mark Zuckerberg or Window operating system from Bill Gate.
However
, the number of those talented
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in our society is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
as can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
as “one in millions”.
Furthermore
, each person can hardly create several breakthrough products in their whole life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
every single creation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it can be complete.
As a result
, those products that have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
impact to our life will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
limited in quantity.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
academies have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of advantages to bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to real life. The most significant strong points are manpower which is
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
skilled in various fields and technologies with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
modern machines that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
proposals to
be considered
and done much
Use only "easier" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more easier
and faster. These upsides would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our world with creations that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in both quality and quantity. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example is in architecture firms, the concepts can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from one person such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Zaha
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hadid
or Frank Lloyd Wright,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their buildings cannot be real without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
staffs who developed those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the newest".
newest
materials and construction methods.

In conclusion
, no one can deny those notable works done by individuals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
strongly
believe that administration and academic organizations should take the main roles on the way to enhance our world.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Inviduals can do nothing to change society. Any new developments can only be brought about by governments and large institutions. How far v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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