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Integrated quest 5: describe the woman's problem and the two suggestions that her advisor makes about how to handle it. What do you think the woman should do, and why? v.1

Integrated quest 5: describe the woman's problem and the two suggestions that her advisor makes about how to handle it. What do you think the woman should do, and why? v. 1
It is a fact that people in contemporary society are inclined to purchase a wide range of household goods such as television and refrigerator than in the past. In my opinion, this tendency has both benefits and drawbacks. There are two fundamental advantages of spending a lot of money on these appliances. First, thanks to technological advancements, cutting-edge household equipment is designed to improve people’s quality of life both entertainment and performance. For example, we take advantage of washing machines to speed up time or watch fascinating television channels to help us chill out after hectic working hours. Second, if people prioritize expenditure on household goods, manufactures of these appliances would generate more profits, hence expanding their business. By doing this, the government could receive more taxes to foster the economy, and unemployment would be partly addressed because of more job vacancies from these companies. Despite the benefits mentioned above, I believe that this tendency can bring disadvantages to the environment and people’s mental health. Consuming a lot of household things leads to an increase in the number of broken and outdated appliances that could be end up in landfill sites and subsequently become raw wastes. If these wastes are not properly treated, they might cause severe contamination to the soil and water. Additionally, residents especially housewives are swayed by household advertisements and buy goods impulsively. It is inevitable that these activities could cause them to be burdened with hundreds of dollars in credit card debt, leading to psychological problems such as depression and strain. In conclusion, I argue that the trend for people to buy more appliances like washing machine and rice cooker could be both beneficial and disadvantageous.
It is a fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in contemporary society
are inclined
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
household
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
such as television and refrigerator than in the past. In my opinion, this tendency has both benefits and drawbacks.

There are two fundamental advantages of spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appliances
.
First
, thanks to technological advancements, cutting-edge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
household
equipment
is designed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
quality of life both entertainment and performance.
For example
, we take advantage of washing machines to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
speed up
time or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
fascinating television channels to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us chill out after hectic working hours. Second, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prioritize expenditure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
household
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, manufactures of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appliances
would generate more profits,
hence
expanding their business. By doing this, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could receive more taxes to foster the economy, and unemployment would be partly addressed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of more job vacancies from these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

Despite the benefits mentioned above, I believe that this tendency can bring disadvantages to the environment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
mental health. Consuming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
household
things leads to an increase in the number of broken and outdated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appliances
that could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in landfill sites and
subsequently
become raw wastes. If these wastes are not
properly
treated, they might cause severe contamination to the soil and water.
Additionally
, residents
especially
housewives
are swayed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
household
advertisements and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
impulsively
. It is inevitable that these activities could cause them to
be burdened
with hundreds of dollars in credit card debt, leading to psychological problems such as depression and strain.

In conclusion
, I argue that the trend for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appliances
like washing machine and rice cooker could be both beneficial and disadvantageous.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Integrated quest 5: describe the woman's problem and the two suggestions that her advisor makes about how to handle it. What do you think the woman should do, and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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