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Instead of teaching a broad range of subjects, a university should focus on those necessary for a given profession. Which do you prefer? v.1

Instead of teaching a broad range of subjects, a university should focus on those necessary for a given profession. Which do you prefer? v. 1
First of all, in these days, the job sectors are dynamic and employees are given different tasks and new challenges at a workplace. Knowledge learned from the subjects that only focus on the jobs fails to enhance the overall skill of students. So, it can be catastrophic to a country to have the type of employees who have been taught job-related courses but were not introduced to the vast array of other aspects of education. Most of the companies these days search for people who are more dynamic and have diverse skills than candidates with good grades. For instance, most of the software development companies give priority of a candidate's performance, skill set and analytical ability than his academic results. Secondly, the competitive job sector all over the world forces many graduates to seek jobs in an entirely different sector than their majors in universities. Thus someone graduated from IT is becoming a banker and someone from a finance background is becoming an HR. Many of those students are setting up their own business instead of doing a job. As a result, they are forced to find alternative works which are not directly related to the courses they took in the university. Furthermore, employees often need to enrol in different training and professional courses. Those who have finished a university degree with a wide range of subjects would be able to do better in those training programmes and courses. For instance, IT professionals often take the MBA course and this is another good example why the university students should study an extensive range of subjects rather than studying some selective subjects for the jobs. I, therefore, conclude that a wide range of subjects at the university level is more useful for a student's career and overall development. Hence, job-centric university education sounds a good idea in theory, but in practice, this is a faulty one.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in these days, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
sectors are dynamic and employees are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tasks and new challenges at a workplace. Knowledge learned from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
fails to enhance the
overall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
of students.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it can be catastrophic to a country to have the type of employees who have
been taught
job-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
were not introduced to the vast array of other aspects of education. Most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
these days search for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are more dynamic and have diverse
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
than candidates with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades.
For instance
, most of the software development
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
give priority of a candidate's performance,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
set and analytical ability than his academic results.

Secondly
, the competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
sector all over the world forces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
graduates to seek
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in an
entirely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sector than their majors in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
someone graduated from IT is becoming a banker and someone from a finance background is becoming an HR.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of those students are setting up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business
instead
of doing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
As a result
, they
are forced
to find alternative works which are not
directly
related to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
they took in the university.

Furthermore
, employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
need to enrol in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
training and professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
. Those who have finished a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
degree with a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
would be able to do better in those training
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
.
For instance
, IT professionals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
take the MBA
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
and this is another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
students should study an extensive range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
rather
than studying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
selective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
for the jobs.

I,
therefore
, conclude that a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
level is more useful for a student's career and
overall
development.
Hence
, job-centric
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education sounds a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
in theory,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in practice, this is a faulty one.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Instead of teaching a broad range of subjects, a university should focus on those necessary for a given profession. Which do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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