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Instead of asking the government to bear the cost of higher education, students should pay tuition fees themselves. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Instead of asking the government to bear the cost of higher education, students should pay tuition fees themselves. v. 1
It is observed in some nation that the investigation of the convict that are conducted in the jury are telecasted on TV for the people to see the law. In my opinion, the drawbacks of showing the trials in the media like becoming famous personality are eclipsed by its benefits such as reducing the crime rate. The major advantage of telecasting the criminals on trials will minimise the wrongdoing in the countries. In other words, people will get to know the punishment for crimes when they have an opportunity to see the cases in the television. Moreover, it will aid to reduce the crime when they know the severity of the trial. For example, based on the felony, the penalty is severe in the UAE and it is shown in the TV to the general public and hence there is no crime in the Arab countries. I believe, this example is the most obvious reason to show the enquiry and judgement on television. As far the drawbacks are concerned, the predominant disadvantage is that they will become a celebrity when they are shown on TV. That is because until the judgement is reserved they will be shown in the TV and it will create a negative influence for the children to take them as a role model and start doing the crimes at a young age and try to get the wrong popularity overnight. For instance, 10% of youngsters disobey the law and caught in the crime makes them feel proud that their faces are shown in the television which set a wrong attitude and spoil their future. However, in my opinion, 90% of the populace know the law and the way to protect them by not committing any crimes. In conclusion, the demerits of watching trials in the TV such as limelight face are overshadowed by the merits of minimal issues in the nation.
It
is observed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nation that the investigation of the convict that
are conducted
in the jury are
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "telecast", the past tense form of the verb 'telecast'?
telecasted
on TV for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the law. In my opinion, the drawbacks of showing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trials
in the media like becoming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
personality
are eclipsed
by its benefits such as reducing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate.

The major advantage of telecasting the criminals on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trials
will
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimise' is British English.
minimise
the wrongdoing in the countries.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know the punishment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
when they have an opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the cases
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the television".
in the television
.
Moreover
, it will aid to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
when they know the severity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trial
.
For example
, based on the felony, the penalty is severe in the UAE and it
is shown
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the TV".
in the TV
to the
Consider using "public".
general public
and
hence
there is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
in the Arab countries. I believe, this example is the most obvious reason to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiry' is British English.
enquiry
and judgement on television.

As far the drawbacks
are concerned
, the predominant disadvantage is that they will become a celebrity when they
are shown
on TV.
That is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
until the judgement
is reserved
they will
be shown
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the TV".
in the TV
and it will create a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence for the children to take them as a role model and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
doing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
at a young age and try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
popularity overnight.
For instance
, 10% of youngsters disobey the law and caught in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them feel proud that their faces
are shown
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the television".
in the television
which set a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
attitude and spoil their future.
However
, in my opinion, 90% of the populace know the law and the way to protect them by not committing any crimes.

In conclusion
, the demerits of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trials
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the TV".
in the TV
such as limelight face
are overshadowed
by the merits of minimal issues in the nation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Instead of asking the government to bear the cost of higher education, students should pay tuition fees themselves. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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