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Increasing travels between countries enable people to learn different cultures or to increase tension between people from different countries? v.6

Increasing travels between countries enable people to learn different cultures or to increase tension between people from different countries? v. 6
Whether or not international tourism should be expanded has been a matter of debate since the beginning of the twenty-first century. The dramatic increase in oversea tourists can promote their understanding about the different cultures, while others argue that a great number of foreign visitors coming from different cultures will make local against them because of cultural differences. In the first place, there are some reasons why international travel would bring benefits for both visitors and locals. International travels can open up opportunities for business to develop throughout the world, as more and more multinational companies do business across the world. Moreover, it also results in cultural exchanges when foreigners should learn the culture of a country in order to contact easier with indigenous people. For instance, when westerners visit a country in Asia like Korea, they should dress Hanbok once, a traditional costume of Korean, to express their respect to the local cultures. In turn, locals should show their standard of healthcare and education to visitors in exchanges for their trust. They should share a necessary to each other to improve living standards for themselves. In the second place, visitors are sometimes conflicting, opposing to the lifestyle perspective of the nation they visit. Because the cultural diversity and the different social background make foreigners and local inhabitants feel unsuitable, even culture shock. Since disobeying rulers and cultures of the local community, some foreigners litter indiscriminately causing environmental pollution, which poses a serious threat to local resident living. In conclusion, although the international travel development causes some disadvantages to people between countries, I strongly believe that there are a lot of benefits to improve the relation of people in modern communities.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
tourism should
be expanded
has been a matter of debate since the beginning of the twenty-
first
century. The dramatic increase in oversea tourists can promote their understanding about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, while others argue that a great number of foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
coming from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
against them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of cultural differences.

In the
first
place, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
travel would bring benefits for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
locals
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
International
travels can open up opportunities for business to develop throughout the world, as more and more multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
do business across the world.
Moreover
, it
also
results in cultural exchanges when foreigners should learn the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of a country in order to contact easier with indigenous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
, when westerners visit a country in Asia like Korea, they should dress
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hanbok
once, a traditional costume of Korean, to express their respect to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
. In turn,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
locals
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their standard of healthcare and education to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
in exchanges for their trust. They should share a necessary to each other to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
living standards for themselves.

In the second place,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
conflicting, opposing to the lifestyle perspective of the nation they visit.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the cultural diversity and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social background
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
foreigners and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
inhabitants feel unsuitable, even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
shock. Since disobeying rulers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
community,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
foreigners litter
indiscriminately
causing environmental pollution, which poses a serious threat to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
resident living.

In conclusion
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
travel development causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
between countries, I
strongly
believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the relation of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in modern communities.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Increasing travels between countries enable people to learn different cultures or to increase tension between people from different countries? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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