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Increasing numbers of students are choosing to study abroad. To what extent does this trend benefit the students themselves and the countries involved? What are the drawbacks? v.2

Increasing numbers of students are choosing to study abroad. What are the drawbacks? v. 2
For the last few years, students from across the globe more commonly interesting in taking overseas Education. Mainly from developing countries are more attracted towards study abroad in western countries. Studying abroad has become increasingly common in the last few years, especially for young people from countries such as China and India. Many students and their families clearly consider the experience worth the sacrifices involved. Moreover, on the other hand, students consider themselves sacrificing more mentally like leaving their parents, childhood friends, homeland but it's worth studying abroad. Although, students from countries like China, India they travel abroad for study by taking financial help from their government. After completing the studies they got influenced or attracted towards the western culture, climatic conditions, Job opportunities and the higher salary packages, which makes them to continue to stay, which will indirectly boost economy of their country. However, the potential drawback is the phenomenon of brain-drain, from the Government view the course to encourage the students for overseas education is to bring the knowledge gained in abroad to being utilized same in their homeland, but unfortunately the Knowledge gained by the students is not being used more to their motherland. For example: Students from India who completed their studies and got recruited in most Government reputed organizations like "NASA". Knowledge that was gained is being utilized and helping their governments in technological innovations and moving them forward. If the same knowledge being utilized here it could be more technological innovations which help to move forward. To conclude, Although Government needs to invest a huge sum of money on their youngster who seek abroad studies, but on the other hand, they have to take preventive measure for the "Brain-Drain" problem.
For the last few years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from across the globe more
commonly
interesting in taking overseas Education.
Mainly
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
are more attracted towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
in western countries.

Studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
has become
increasingly
common in the last few years,
especially
for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from countries such as China and India.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and their families
clearly
consider the experience worth the sacrifices involved.

Moreover
,
on the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
consider themselves sacrificing more mentally like leaving their parents, childhood friends, homeland
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's worth studying abroad.

Although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from countries like China, India they travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
by taking financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. After completing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
influenced or attracted towards the western culture, climatic conditions, Job opportunities and the higher salary packages, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them to continue to stay, which will
indirectly
boost economy of their country.

However
, the potential drawback is the phenomenon of brain-drain, from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
view the course to encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for overseas education is to bring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
gained in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
to
being utilized
same in their homeland,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unfortunately the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Knowledge
gained by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is not being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
more to their motherland.

For example
:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
from India who completed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
recruited in most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
reputed organizations like
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
NASA
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Knowledge
that
was gained
is
being utilized
and helping their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
in technological innovations and moving them forward.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
being utilized
here it could be more technological innovations which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
forward.

To conclude
, Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
needs to invest a huge sum of money on their youngster who seek
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the other hand
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take preventive measure for the
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Brain-Drain
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
problem.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Increasing numbers of students are choosing to study abroad. What are the drawbacks? v. 2

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
286 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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