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In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? v.2

In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? v. 2
From the one side, saving land in its natural condition brings many benefits. First of all, many wild animals will thrive in our forests. Unfortunately, nowadays many wild animals are endangered because they do not have any place to live in and enough food to eat. Second of all, our children will be able to learn about animals not only from books but also from observing them in their natural environment. In addition to those benefits, our air will be cleaner because many forests will clean it from pollution and make it fresher. From the other side, deforesting our land and building many new constructions can have a few positive aspects. For example, building new industrial buildings may have a positive impact on the country's economy. Many new companies will have the opportunity to produce more goods and as the result of this the country will receive more money from abroad and this will lead to the improvement of the economy on the whole. To conclude, all mentioned above, I think that we need to be more careful with the natural resources we consume and, moreover, we can do something to preserve them. For example, companies that produce lumber can also resume the resources of wood by planting new trees there. This way we can preserve our land and save it from defrosting. I must agree that it is difficult for Russia at this moment not to develop land for housing and industry because the country needs money and a stronger economy, but I believe that many new factories can replace the old ones without developing new land. So, my point is that we must extend the production of new goods but not at the expense of the wild animals and their land.
From the one side, saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
land
in its natural condition brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
will thrive in our forests. Unfortunately, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are endangered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not have any place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
food to eat. Second of all, our children will be able to learn about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
from books
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
from observing them in their natural environment.
In addition
to those benefits, our air will be cleaner
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
forests will clean it from pollution and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it fresher.

From the other side, deforesting our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
land
and building
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
constructions can have a few
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects.
For example
, building
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
industrial buildings may have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the country's economy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
will have the opportunity to produce more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and as the result of this the country will receive more money from abroad and this will lead to the improvement of the economy
on the whole
.

To conclude
, all mentioned above, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that we need to be more careful with the natural resources we consume and,
moreover
, we can do something to preserve them.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that produce lumber can
also
resume the resources of wood by planting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
trees there. This way we can preserve our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
land
and save it from defrosting. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is difficult for Russia at this moment not to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
land
for housing and industry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the country needs money and a stronger economy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
factories can replace the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
ones without developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
land
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, my point is that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
extend the production of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not at the expense of the wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
land
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? v. 2

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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