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In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? v.3

In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? v. 3
It has become a debatable issue in Indonesia- whether more lands should be converted into real estate and commercial areas or should the government preserve and maintain the natural areas. The following essay will discuss both views, but in my opinion, we could expand new residential areas but it should be accurately measured and properly executed. For a number of reasons, the government of Indonesia should conserve some of its' natural areas. Firstly, these green areas are producing oxygen which is an important part of the human respiration. As the number of trees and plants are decreasing, it might have a negative effect on the air quality. Secondly, the existence of the green areas can prevent some natural disasters such as flood and erosion. One of the examples would the annual flood disaster in Jakarta, which was caused by the conversion of Mangrove forests in the suburb of Kapuk into residential areas. On the other hand, Indonesia has experienced a significant growth in term of its population. The density level and congestion issue become a major issue for some the towns and cities in the country.   As a consequence, the demand for new housing, commercial and industrial areas increased rapidly in the past few years.   Therefore, it is understandable that the government is converting some the natural lands into residential areas. In conclusion, it is true that the government of Indonesia should preserve some of the natural areas, but due to the significant growth of the population, they should expand some residential and industrial land as well. In my point of view, I do agree that the government should expand housing and commercial areas in the future, but they should execute it in the proper way. It should be expanded proportionately and with cautious measurement, to ensure that the portion of natural and residential areas have a balance.
It has become a debatable issue in Indonesia- whether more lands should
be converted
into real estate and commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
or should the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
preserve and maintain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. The following essay will discuss both views,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion, we could expand new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it should be
accurately
measured and
properly
executed.

For a number of reasons, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
of Indonesia should conserve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of
An apostrophe is never used to form possessive case pronouns. Did you mean: "its"?
its'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
Firstly
, these green
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are producing oxygen which is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of the human respiration. As the number of trees and plants are decreasing, it might have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the air quality.
Secondly
, the existence of the green
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
disasters such as flood and erosion. One of the examples would the annual flood disaster in Jakarta, which
was caused
by the conversion of Mangrove forests in the suburb of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kapuk
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
areas.

On the other hand
, Indonesia has experienced a significant growth in term of its population. The density level and congestion issue become a major issue for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
the towns and cities in the country.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
As a consequence, the demand for new housing, commercial and industrial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
increased
rapidly
in the past few years.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Therefore
, it is understandable that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is converting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
lands into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
areas.

In conclusion
, it is true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
of Indonesia should preserve
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to the significant growth of the population, they should expand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
and industrial land
as well
. In my point of view, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should expand housing and commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
in the future,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should execute it in the proper way. It should
be expanded
proportionately
and with cautious measurement, to ensure that the portion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
have a balance.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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