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In this modern world, it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via internet and live without any face to face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development in your opinion. Do you support to this development. v.1

In this modern world, it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via internet and live without any face to face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development in your opinion. Do you support to this development. v. 1
It has become essential for numerous students to do jobs along with pursuing their higher education which not only impact their studies, but also students get mental pressure. This can be due to financial complications that students go through while studying. Firstly, this essay will shed light on the reasons such as financial issues, secondly, will elaborate how work experience may influence their decision. For students who want further studies, education can be expensive for them. Consequently, they need money for tuition finance and living expenses, many undergraduates require to find part-time jobs. One viable solution to this problem could be support from governments for funding students with free grants and subsidized accommodation. This will help students about not worrying about semester fees, which may lead to higher scores in their exams. Therefore, scholarship and accommodation supports from educational department will be beneficial for scholars. Another cause for students working while attention academic institutions is to gain real-life working experience to help them find occupation post studies. As a result, many students are concentrating on finding desired work experience and not attentively utilizing their energy in learning. This can be reduced by including practical training courses in the curriculum, which can help in obtaining experimental skills. Admittedly, this would have a productive advantage for students. In conclusion, having mulled over above problems and prominent solutions, in my perspective, the primary goal for scholars should be learning. Although, they may face monetary issues, but that can be resolved be government scholarships and in house work experiences in colleges and universities.
It has become essential for numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to do jobs along with pursuing their higher education which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
impact their studies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
mental pressure. This can be due to financial complications that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
go through while studying.
Firstly
, this essay will shed light on the reasons such as financial issues,
secondly
, will elaborate how work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
may influence their decision.

For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who want
further
studies, education can be expensive for them.
Consequently
, they need money for tuition finance and living expenses,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
undergraduates require
Did you mean "finding"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to find
part-time jobs. One viable solution to this problem could be support from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
for funding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with free grants and subsidized accommodation. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
about not worrying about semester fees, which may lead to higher scores in their exams.
Therefore
, scholarship and accommodation supports from educational department will be beneficial for scholars.

Another cause for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
working while attention academic institutions is to gain real-life working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them find occupation post studies.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are concentrating on finding desired work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and not
attentively
utilizing their energy in learning. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by including practical training courses in the curriculum, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in obtaining experimental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Admittedly
, this would have a productive advantage for students.

In conclusion
, having mulled over above problems and prominent solutions, in my perspective, the primary goal for scholars should be learning. Although, they may face monetary issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that can
be resolved
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
scholarships and in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
in colleges and universities.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In this modern world, it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via internet and live without any face to face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development in your opinion. Do you support to this development. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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