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In the past shopping was a routine domestic task Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby To what extent do you think this is a positive trend v.1

In the past shopping was a routine domestic task Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby 1
Whether or not should museums charge for admission has become a hot topic of discussion in recent years. Although museums couldn’t attract more people to visit them if they are not free of charge, it can avoid some serious maintenance issues due to lack of money. I believe that the positive points of charging for admission surpass the negative aspects. The crucial benefical factor of selling tickets to the public is that it is an efficient way to gain funds for the museum and funds are essential to the museum. A good illustration of this is that it has been found by a research 75% of museums in this country often struggle with various facility and maintenance challenges because of insufficient funds, so if people purchase tickets when they visit museums, it can provide stable and sufficient money for them to upgrade their facilities and environment which are significant to improve customer’s satisfaction. Additionally, it enables them to hire more experts to look after their valuable exhibits. As can be seen, those advantages have a profound impact on the future of museums. However, every coin has two sides. The main challenge of this is that some people may choose to skip museums if they are not free as they believe museums are boring and not worth to visit. For example, an investigation carried out by the University of Auckland shows 80% of travelers won’t pay to visit a museum. In addition, some families won’t pay to visit museums because they are trying to cut down expenses. As a result, museums won’t attract more visitors in this way. To sum up, there’s controversy whether or not admission should be charged. While charging money can bring some challenges for the museum, this can also open the additional advantages in the future. I am incline to believe that the overall benefits of charging admission are superior.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
charge for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
has become a hot topic of discussion in recent years. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
couldn’t attract more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
them if they are not free of charge, it can avoid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious maintenance issues due to lack of money. I believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
points of charging for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
surpass the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects.

The crucial
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefical
factor of selling tickets to the public is that it is an efficient way to gain funds for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
and funds are essential to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is that it has
been found
by a research 75% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
in this country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
struggle with various facility and maintenance challenges
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of insufficient funds,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
tickets when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
, it can provide stable and sufficient money for them to upgrade their facilities and environment which are significant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
customer’s satisfaction.
Additionally
, it enables them to hire more experts to look after their valuable exhibits. As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, those advantages have a profound impact on the future of museums.

However
, every coin has two sides. The main challenge of this is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may choose to skip
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
if they are not free as they believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are boring and not worth to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
.
For example
, an investigation carried out by the University of Auckland
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
80% of travelers won’t pay to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
families won’t pay to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down expenses.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
won’t attract more visitors in this way.

To sum up, there’s controversy
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
should
be charged
. While charging money can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
challenges for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
, this can
also
open the additional advantages in the future. I am incline to believe that the
overall
benefits of charging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
are superior.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In the past shopping was a routine domestic task Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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