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In the past, people wore clothes more closely related to their culture but today people are more likely to wear clothes from all over the world. Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

In the past, people wore clothes more closely related to their culture but today people are more likely to wear clothes from all over the world. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
It is commonly believed by many that the young children should learn money management skills at the early age so that they do not have to face financial crises in the future. I completely agree with this statement because money plays a significant role in an individual’s life. To begin with, those who believe that learning skills, such as managing the money is beneficial for teenagers can easily point out its importance in the real life. That is to say, money is an essential entity as it helps human beings to afford their basic necessities including food, shelter and clothing. Thus, children should know its value from the very young age, otherwise they would waste their parent’s money in purchasing unnecessary materialistic items. For instance, according to the research conducted by the University of British Columbia, the vast majority of youngsters, who have no prior knowledge of handling money, waste a huge amount of it on buying expensive branded items, just to showcase their status to the society. Furthermore, it is crucial for children to gain money handling skills in the childhood because once they grow up, they will have a responsibility to earn by themselves and take care of their family’ need. In such case, if they little less knowledge of utilising the money wisely, they will probably end up with some sort of crisis, which can further lead to health-related diseases including stress, anxiety and depression. To exemplify, according to the World Health Organisation, around 50% of people in the United States are suffering from depression due to their inability to handle their business, which involves money. Hence, educating youngsters at the young age is a long-term approach and it will definitely help them to make their future better. To conclude, I believe parents and schools should focus on teaching money management skills to their children, so that they can understand its true value and utilizes it properly, instead of facing any financial crises.
It is
commonly
believed by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
at the early age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face financial crises in the future. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays a significant role in an individual’s life.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, those who believe that learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, such as managing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is beneficial for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can
easily
point out its importance in the real life.
That is
to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is an essential entity as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
human beings to afford their
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
including food, shelter and clothing.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should know its value from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age,
otherwise
they would waste their parent’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in purchasing unnecessary materialistic items.
For instance
, according to the research conducted by the University of British Columbia, the vast majority of youngsters, who have no prior knowledge of handling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, waste a huge amount of it on buying expensive branded items,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to showcase their status to the society.

Furthermore
, it is crucial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
handling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in the childhood
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
once they grow up, they will have a responsibility to earn by themselves and take care of their family’ need. In such case, if they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
less knowledge of
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilising' is British English.
utilising
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
wisely
, they will
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of crisis, which can
further
lead to health-related diseases including
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, anxiety and depression. To exemplify, according to the World Health
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisation' is British English.
Organisation
, around 50% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the United States are suffering from depression due to their inability to handle their business, which involves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Hence
, educating youngsters at the young age is a long-term approach and it will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their future better.

To conclude
, I believe parents and schools should focus on teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can understand its true value and
Do not mix variants of the same word ('utilize' and 'utilise') within a single text.
utilizes
it
properly
,
instead
of facing any financial crises.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay In the past, people wore clothes more closely related to their culture but today people are more likely to wear clothes from all over the world. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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