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In the past people liked to store knowledge in books. However, in the present, we prefer to store knowledge in the internet. Do you think advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

In the past people liked to store knowledge in books. However, in the present, we prefer to store knowledge in the internet. Do you think advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Globalization is the commonly used term in today’s era. It simply means that the world has become integrated economically, socially, politically and culturally through the advances in technologies, transportations and communications. This phenomenon has positive and negative effects, which must be addressed accordingly. To embark with, globalization has contributed to the world’s economy in many beneficial ways. The enhancements in science and technology made it possible to overcome territorial boundaries for all businesses. Consequently, businesses thrive in different nationalities and raise more profit. Moreover, they can provide better quality of goods, services and contribute to better standard living. In addition, Several companies from more developed countries have branches in developing countries. Such that they get advantage of low cost labour and low maintenance and investment fund for their business. However, One cannot deny the detrimental effects, which were derived from globalization. The major drawback is spreading deadly diseases due to ease to transportations and supply. This adds the huge risk and danger to the whole population of the world. For example, a recent deadly Corona virus has spread all over the world in a quite short period of time, though it started from China. Besides this, Large corporation invests or takes over many local offshore businesses, a modern form of colonization will also involve many pose certain power pressure on local government. Furthermore, unemployment rates in developed countries like Europe may also escalate due to availability of cheap cost labour from Asian countries. To put this in a nutshell, I opine that even though globalization has fairly positive benefits for the world’s economy, its gloomy side cannot be neglected. Though balanced approach from by taking appropriate steps to deal with matters may help nations to overcome the negative side.
Globalization is the
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
term in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s era. It
simply
means that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
has become integrated
economically
,
socially
,
politically
and
culturally
through the advances in technologies, transportations and communications. This phenomenon has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be addressed
accordingly
.

To embark with, globalization has contributed to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
economy in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
beneficial ways. The enhancements in science and technology made it possible to overcome territorial boundaries for all businesses.
Consequently
, businesses thrive in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nationalities and raise more profit.
Moreover
, they can provide better quality of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, services and contribute to better standard living.
In addition
, Several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
from more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
have branches in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
. Such that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
advantage of low cost
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
and low maintenance and investment fund for their business.

However
, One cannot deny the detrimental effects, which
were derived
from globalization. The major drawback is spreading deadly diseases due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
to transportations and supply. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
the huge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to the whole population of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
For example
, a recent deadly
The term "Coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
Corona virus
has spread all over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
in a quite short period of time, though it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
from China.
Besides
this, Large corporation invests or takes over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
local offshore businesses, a modern form of colonization will
also
involve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pose certain power pressure on local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Furthermore
, unemployment rates in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
like Europe may
also
escalate due to availability of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
cost
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
from Asian countries.

To put this in a nutshell, I opine that
even though
globalization has
fairly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
benefits for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
economy, its gloomy side cannot
be neglected
.
“Though” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Though
balanced approach from by taking appropriate steps to deal with matters may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
nations to overcome the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In the past people liked to store knowledge in books. However, in the present, we prefer to store knowledge in the internet. Do you think advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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