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In the past children were taught how to save money, but today they only learn how to spend it. Do you agree? v.3

In the past children were taught how to save money, but today they only learn how to spend it. Do you agree? v. 3
Nowadays, youngsters solely expend money without saving them as identical to the past. Therefore, many of them stepped into the unethical paths and suffered countless consequences. The education of a person during his or her childhood is the factor that determines who that person will become in the future. I believe that children who are not well educated will waste a lot of money in their life. In this essay, I will discuss further why the statement above is true. Firstly, in the war times of Vietnam, there were many households with poverty and hunger. Their children had grown up during an extremely difficult period and adapted to the fact that they have to save every grain of property, money, food to preserve their own life. The famine in the year of 1945 took away 2 million lives of Vietnamese people. Likewise, in Vietnam’s 20th century, all fields from industry to agriculture had not developed as fast as in the Western countries yet, and therefore, the demand for goods was lower than it is today. However, it is an ugly truth that children spend money wastefully today. At present, many parents in Vietnam are full of schedules. Therefore, many cannot manage to look after their children and teach them the basics, especially in expending money. For instance, even in wealthy households, many people under 18 years old were arrested for the abuse of using drugs. In conclusion, many youngsters nowadays spend money misleadingly. Although Vietnam had a history of poverty and hunger, most children at the present do not aware or do not care about that fact. Therefore, it is necessary for the Vietnamese government to carry out stricter education.
Nowadays, youngsters
solely
expend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
without saving them as identical to the past.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them stepped into the unethical paths and suffered countless consequences. The education of a person during
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
childhood is the factor that determines who that person will become in the future. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are not
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
will waste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in their life. In this essay, I will discuss
further
why the statement above is true.

Firstly
, in the war times of Vietnam, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
households with poverty and hunger. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
had grown up during an
extremely
difficult period and adapted to the fact that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
save every grain of property,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, food to preserve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life. The famine in the year of 1945 took away 2 million
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of Vietnamese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Likewise
, in Vietnam’s 20th century, all fields from industry to agriculture had not developed as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
as in the Western countries
yet
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
, the demand for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
was lower than it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

However
, it is an ugly truth that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
wastefully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. At present,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents in Vietnam are full of schedules.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cannot manage to look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and teach them the basics,
especially
in expending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For instance
, even in wealthy households,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
under 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
were arrested
for the abuse of using drugs.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters nowadays spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
misleadingly
. Although Vietnam had a history of poverty and hunger, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at the present do not aware or do not care about that fact.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, it is necessary for the Vietnamese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to carry out stricter education.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In the past children were taught how to save money, but today they only learn how to spend it. Do you agree? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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