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IN THE LAST FEW DECADES THE NUMBER OF STAY-AT-HOME DADS HAS BEEN INCREASING NOTICIBLY. WHY IS IT happening? IS IT A MORE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE PHENOMENON? v.2

IN THE LAST FEW DECADES THE NUMBER OF STAY-AT-HOME DADS HAS BEEN INCREASING NOTICIBLY. WHY IS IT happening? IS IT A MORE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE PHENOMENON? v. 2
Suitable upbringing and parenting is not only one of the most inevitable but also the most vital components of every individual’s life. Nowadays the proportion of staying-at-home dads who take care of their children by themselves has been increasing rapidly. Moreover, it is extremely controversial that whether or not it is a useful fact and the causes of this situation has been investigated. From my own standpoint although it can have authentic aspects some glaring downsides are considered. For example, higher risk of depression for dads and emotional deficits in children. Above all at the moment the duty of taking care and nurturing children is delegating to fathers more and more so their main responsibility is getting faded which can increase the risk of mental illness. Men are considered as principal bread-winners in families and it is their instinct to try to assist and support their whole family from last eras. But in this way as a result of lack of job opportunities when they have to stay home to do their spouse’s duty they will think they are not worthy capable enough. Accordingly, they will be disappointed bankrupt over time which is able to undergo the society high therapeutic costs. Secondly these days the amount of stayed-at-home fathers is growing little by little as they do not trust society or educational institutions such as kindergarten. Since the procedure of growing up is highly prominent some parents prefer to carry out this delicate process by themselves. Based on the most recent studies by municipality of Tehran 47% of the children who are sent to educational places suffer from psychological deficits. Accordingly, because fathers are not instinctively created for bringing up descendants this fact can gender some drawbacks for that child mentally. Furthermore, men are more logical and they do not have that adequate maternal instinct to fade their child’s emotional needs. All in all, in the last few years the society of stayed-at-home fathers is getting more and more expended in terms of lack of job opportunities or lack of trustfulness to academic systems. In my opinion although this method has its own benefits myriad drawbacks are counted in. at the end to resolve these mentioned drawbacks fathers can telecommute or to prevent childrens’ mental problems change their shifts alternatively
Suitable upbringing and parenting is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one of the most inevitable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the most vital components of every individual’s life. Nowadays the proportion of staying-at-home dads who take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by themselves has been increasing
rapidly
.
Moreover
, it is
extremely
controversial that
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
it is a useful fact and the causes of this situation has
been investigated
. From my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
standpoint although it can have authentic aspects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
glaring downsides
are considered
.

For example
, higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of depression for dads and emotional deficits in children.

Above all
at
Duplicated 'the' in the phrase: 'the moment the'. Did you mean "moment the"?
the moment the
duty of taking care and nurturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is delegating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
more and more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their main responsibility is getting faded which can increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of mental illness.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Men
are considered
as principal bread-winners in families and it is their instinct to try to assist and support their whole family from last eras.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in this way
as a result
of lack of job opportunities when they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stay home to do their spouse’s duty they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they are not worthy capable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
Accordingly
, they will
be disappointed
bankrupt over time which is able to undergo the society high therapeutic costs.

Secondly
these days the amount of stayed-at-home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
is growing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
as they do not trust society or educational institutions such as kindergarten.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
the procedure of growing up is
highly
prominent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents prefer to carry out this delicate process by themselves. Based on the most recent studies by municipality of Tehran 47% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to educational places suffer from psychological deficits.
Accordingly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
are not instinctively created for bringing up descendants this fact can gender
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks for that child mentally.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
logical and
they do not have that adequate maternal instinct to fade their child’s emotional needs.

All in all, in the last few years the society of stayed-at-home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
is getting more and more expended in terms of lack of job opportunities or lack of trustfulness to academic systems. In my opinion although this method has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits myriad drawbacks
are counted
in. at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to resolve these mentioned drawbacks
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
can telecommute or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
’ mental problems
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their shifts
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
alternatively
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay IN THE LAST FEW DECADES THE NUMBER OF STAY-AT-HOME DADS HAS BEEN INCREASING NOTICIBLY. WHY IS IT happening? IS IT A MORE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE PHENOMENON? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
379 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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