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in the future the main reason for going to the shopping mall will be for entertainment not to shop DO you agree or disagree v.2

in the future the main reason for going to the shopping mall will be for entertainment not to shop v. 2
It is true that for some people, spending time in a shopping mall is not only for shopping but also for relaxation. While agreeing that this trend is gaining more and more popularity, I believe that entertainment is not the primary reason for going to the mall. It cannot be denied that shopping malls which offer people a variety of services can attract more customers to come because shopping has become a kind of pleasure; it is no longer a household task as before. People today are not likely to shop alone. Instead, they do shopping with their family or friends, usually on weekends. This is also a chance for them to be together in a restaurant or in a cinema after buying something for a whole week. This is the reason why we usually see more people in entertainment and restaurant areas than in shopping sections. However, I argue against the idea that people will choose shopping malls for entertainment instead of for shopping. In fact, there are many amazing amusement parks which offer them a much more variety of entertainment forms. Therefore, if someone’s need is to seek something to entertain them, they simply choose an entertainment center. It is just like the case that if I want to learn French and English, to save time for traveling, I will choose a school which can offer me both courses but if I just want to learn English, then I will choose a school which specializes in English teaching. All forms of entertainment in a shopping mall can only be used as a supplementary to the main service of a shopping mall to bring more convenience to its customers. Entertainment can never replace the main function of a shopping mall, a place for people to shop. In sum, shopping malls will continue to expand their areas for entertainment activities to draw more customers, but customers will never go to a shopping mall just for entertainment.
It is true that for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, spending time in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for relaxation. While agreeing that this trend is gaining more and more popularity, I believe that entertainment is not the primary reason for going to the mall.

It cannot
be denied
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
which offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a variety of services can attract more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become a kind of pleasure; it is no longer a household task as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are not likely to shop alone.
Instead
, they do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
with their family or friends,
usually
on weekends. This is
also
a chance for them to be together in a restaurant or in a cinema after buying something for a whole week. This is the reason why we
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in entertainment and restaurant areas than in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
sections.

However
, I argue against the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
If 'choose' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to shop".
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
for entertainment
instead
of for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. In fact, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
amazing amusement parks which offer them a much more variety of entertainment forms.
Therefore
, if someone’s need is to seek something to entertain them, they
simply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
an entertainment center. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like the case that if I want to learn French and English, to save time for traveling, I will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
a school which can offer me both courses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
want to learn English, then I will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
a school which specializes in English teaching. All forms of entertainment in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a supplementary to the main service of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
to bring more convenience to its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
. Entertainment can never replace the main function of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
, a place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to shop.

In sum,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
will continue to expand their areas for entertainment activities to draw more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
will never go to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for entertainment.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay in the future the main reason for going to the shopping mall will be for entertainment not to shop v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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