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In spite of the advance made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem? v.2

In spite of the advance made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem? v. 2
There is a fact that huge part of world population is hungry nowadays no matter modern development of farming. I think those who are still hungry today are living in various regions of the world which has not developed its agriculture department enough. Also, there must be solutions to solve this issue. For example, development of farming which will not require too much budget on its government. Although modern agriculture development has reached its peak nowadays, there are some issues such as excess rainfall or drought, weakness of soil, misuse of chemical fertilizers, pesticides and so on. Thus some region in the world can' t afford crop which has been produced by advanced agriculture due to its cost and far distance. We need develop agriculture in the regions which have not developed farming in order to let world has no hungry person. It means that agriculture industries should be established in the future will be not great in their size but will be self-sufficient, convenient to supply enough yield its region. Weakness of farming soil and irrigation are big issue in agriculture industry nowadays in spite of advances of this industry. To cope with this big issues, world countries need to collaborate in my opinion. Finally, if humans develop agriculture which is less harmful for soil and implement convenient irrigation in each regions of the world, number of people who re hungry will be reduced. Climate change also influences agriculture industry significantly, thus human race also need to cooperate to tackle this arising global issue. If we use water as low as we can and emit carbon dioxide also less, we will help our world.
There is a fact that huge part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
population is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hungry
nowadays no matter modern development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
those who are
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hungry
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are living in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
which has not developed its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agriculture
department
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
Also
, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be solutions to solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
.
For example
, development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
which will not require too much budget on its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Although modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agriculture
development has reached its peak nowadays, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
such as excess rainfall or drought, weakness of soil, misuse of chemical fertilizers, pesticides and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
region
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
Possible spelling mistake found.
can&
#039; t afford crop which has
been produced
by advanced
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agriculture
due to its cost and far distance.

We need develop
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agriculture
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
which have not developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
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world
has no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hungry
person. It means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agriculture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
should
be established
in the future will be not great in their size
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will be self-sufficient, convenient to supply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
yield its region.

Weakness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
soil and irrigation are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agriculture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
advances of this
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industry
. To cope with this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
countries need to collaborate in my opinion.

Finally
, if humans develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agriculture
which is less harmful for soil and implement convenient irrigation in each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "region"?
regions
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who re
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hungry
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
. Climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
also
influences
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agriculture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
significantly
,
thus
human race
also
need to cooperate to tackle this arising global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
. If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
water as low as we can and emit carbon dioxide
also
less, we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay In spite of the advance made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
275 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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