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In spite of many advance women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace? v.2

In spite of many advance women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace? v. 2
In our modern era, women have attained many achievements on a par with that of men, which is a positive sign of the disappearance of sexual discrimination. Female, nevertheless, still be treated unfair in salary and promotion prospects at work. It is controversial that this issue is unlikely to be solved as sexual inequality has lasted since ancient time and been regarded as a portion of tradition. But, from my perspective, if people work together and change our comprehension, we can figure out this matter. One possible solution is that government should pass a law on women rights. The law has to point out that male and female must be paid the same and have equal promotion prospects in every career. Besides, the law must contain maternity leave so female will have sufficient time for either their children or work. Particularly, the law has to be obeyed by every individual, company and organization. Another practical approach for the government is to set a bright example and take the lead by recruiting the same number of male and female staff and making sure that female staffs have equal promotion opportunities and salary in comparison with that of male. In addition, government should organize events to praise female' s devotion in the workplaces. To conclude, I want to confirm that sexual inequality at work is a difficult issue, however, if we work together, this problem will be solved. It is high time the government passed a law on women rights and taken the lead against sexual inequality in the workplaces.
In our modern era, women have attained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
achievements on a par with that of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of the disappearance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sexual
discrimination.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Female
,
nevertheless
,
still
be treated
unfair in salary and promotion prospects at work.

It is controversial that this issue is unlikely to
be solved
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sexual
inequality has lasted since ancient time and
been regarded
as a portion of tradition.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, from my perspective, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
together and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our comprehension, we can figure out this matter.

One possible solution is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should pass a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
on women rights. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
point out that male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be paid
the same and have equal promotion prospects in every career.
Besides
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
contain maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
will have sufficient time for either their children or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Particularly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be obeyed
by every individual,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and organization.

Another practical approach for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is to set a bright example and take the lead by recruiting the same number of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
staff and making sure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
staffs have equal promotion opportunities and salary
in comparison
with that of male.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should organize
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
to praise
Possible spelling mistake found.
female&
#039; s devotion in the workplaces.

To conclude
, I want to confirm that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sexual
inequality at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is a difficult issue,
however
, if we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
together, this problem will
be solved
. It is high time the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
passed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
on women rights and taken the lead against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sexual
inequality in the workplaces.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay In spite of many advance women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
258 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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