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In some parts of the world, people have become more focused on themselves than their communities. What problems can this situation cause and how can they be solved? v.1

In some parts of the world, people have become more focused on themselves than their communities. What problems can this situation cause and how can they be solved? v. 1
Nowadays people all over the world are being more focused on themselves rather than surrounding communities. Therefore, various issues can be triggered in our society and it could involve all life areas like relationships and ecology. One cause might be a small problem that can lead to a huge ecological disaster because people don't think about the consequences of their actions and what reflection these actions have. Let us give the example: someone just walks down the street and smokes the tobacco, after smoking, person ashes the cigarette and throws the butt away. The situation is shown by only one smoker, but globally there are more than 800 million people in the world who smoke, by the way, in developing nations tobacco consumption continues to rise. Cigarette butts may seem small, but with several trillion butts littered every year, the toxic chemicals add up. As for the result of the dumping tiny and as for one view innocuous things can be really big trouble for lots of people. It is undeniable that worldwide friendship and peacefulness which may be damaged by an individual's arrogance and being a cold shoulder to everyone. Certainly, it means that people would stop communicating with each other due to not understanding and apathy. Accordingly, less communicating with others will result in making us antisocial that can provide the human being in the early stages of the ladder of evolution in the prehistoric period when only some couples of people had a contact. Undoubtedly, the resolution is clear: we all have to talk and communicate with other people because we all need that someone who gets us like no more else, we all need a soul to rely on, a friend through the highs and the lows
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all over the world are being more focused on themselves
rather
than surrounding communities.
Therefore
, various issues can
be triggered
in our society and it could involve all life areas like relationships and ecology.

One cause might be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
problem that can lead to a huge ecological disaster
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the consequences of their actions and what reflection these actions have.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us give the example: someone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
walks down the street and smokes the tobacco, after smoking, person ashes the cigarette and throws the butt away. The situation
is shown
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one smoker,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
globally there are more than 800 million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world who smoke, by the way, in developing
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "nations'" or "nation's"?
nations
tobacco consumption continues to rise. Cigarette butts may seem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with several trillion butts littered every year, the toxic chemicals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
up. As for the result of the dumping tiny and as for one view innocuous things can be
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
trouble for lots of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

It is undeniable that worldwide friendship and peacefulness which may
be damaged
by an individual's arrogance and being a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
shoulder to everyone.
Certainly
, it means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
communicating with each other due to not understanding and apathy.
Accordingly
, less communicating with others will result in making us antisocial that can provide the human being in the early stages of the ladder of evolution in the prehistoric period when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
couples of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had a contact.

Undoubtedly
, the resolution is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
: we all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
talk and communicate with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we all need that someone who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
us like no more else, we all need a soul to rely on, a friend through the highs and the lows
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In some parts of the world, people have become more focused on themselves than their communities. What problems can this situation cause and how can they be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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